


Fateful Glow

by Luciferous_Lampadomancy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bottom Jean, Fluff, M/M, Making Love, Masturbation, Nerd!Jean, POV First Person, POV Multiple, Platonic Jean/Armin, Platonic Jeanmarco, Sex, Smoking, Soulmate AU, Top Eren, cigarette use, don't worry that'll change, eren is a bully, jock!Eren, mention of past jeanmarco, platonic Jean/Armin/Marco - Freeform, tons of jeanmarco fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-03-14 20:30:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3424562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luciferous_Lampadomancy/pseuds/Luciferous_Lampadomancy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soulmates, the one true other you are meant to be with. Some find them early, others may be a bit too late, but you always know when you found them. It's always nice to see two people meet for the first time, or when two best friends finally see the warm glow resonating in their chests. It's such a sweet experience, and I'm happy I got to see it first hand before. It's a great thing too, because you know, there's no guessing. Really, it is and I was looking forward to my chest glowing just as much as so many stranger's had before me, but um...<br/>The only problem with mine though, is well... it glowed for Eren....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love is a serious mental disease.

**Author's Note:**

> So I found a post on tumblr, and of course cause I'm not already burdoned enough, I had to start another fic for my other OTP, cause I'm such a brilliant person. You can see the post [here](http://jaegerhugs.tumblr.com/post/111992816197/mrs-puffin-aintnobodygottimeforthisfandom) so yea, there you go! The bold and italics are taken directly from the post, so if you wanna check it out, go for it! It already has photos to, so you can get the basic idea of the scene.  
> Also, I cannot take credit for the title, a wonderful friend of mine on tumblr [iamastegosourus](http://iamastegosourus.tumblr.com/) gave me the idea ^-^  
> And as for updates... about those... I warn you now readers, you will be extremely disappointed with my updating speed when I'm the only one writing it.... so just, be warned, it may be months between chapters xD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter quote by Plato

_**It was always the same every day…**_  
_**The guy would come and beat me up over a tiny, stupid whim.**_  
_**I wish my day would change from that.**_  
  
I had been bullied since day one of coming to Shiganshina High. I’m not sure why, but it was always this one guy, the most popular, captain of the football team, absolutely flawless face, gorgeous turquoise eyes, perfectly messy brown tussled hair, all the girls swoon over him. You name it, this kid had it. He was basically everything a guy could want in high school. Everything I had always wanted.

  
But I never got the chance to get it. The second I walked in the doors, I was met with those eyes, and I learned to fear them the second I saw his cunning smirk.

  
“Hey, you must be the new kid, need someone to show you around?”

  
Like the naïve one I was, I nodded, and let one hand let go of my books to shake his hand with a smile on my face. That was my fist mistake, “Sure, I’m Jean.”

  
“Jean huh?” The smirk grew, “Well I’m Eren,” And with snakelike reflexes his hand grabbed mine, and jerked it around behind me, causing quite the unmanly squeal to burst from my lips as my books tumbled to the floor, “Nice to meet you, nerd.” He chuckled deeply in my ear, wrenching my arm up farther on my back and making me hiss in pain, “I think we’re gonna be the best of buds, huh?” With his other hand he cupped underneath my chin, turning my face to look me in the eye as he stood behind me, “Right?”

  
I could only nod once again. Eren laughed, deep, and I gulped, so of course he felt it on his hand, abruptly cutting off his laughter, “Scared Jean?” He chuckled again and then made a pouty face, looking up at his friends who were watching him, and me, intently, “Aww, I think we caught a scaredy-cat guys!” He grinned deviously and jerked my face up again. I grunted in response and felt my arm get yanked up again because of it. I made sure not to make a sound this time, “Hey you’re learning, you might be a smart nerd after all.” At that he let go by shoving me forward so I was toppled on top of my books, then proceeded to accompany his return by stepping on me, twice, and even going so far to grind his heel into my back. I looked up once the pressure and pain disappeared, and that was my second mistake. I only got a split second warning before the bottom of his boot smashed into my face, shattering my - _already broken twice beforehand_ \- glasses on impact.

  
Eren snickered, I prayed I didn't get any cuts from the glass. He went back to his friends, I was reminded of how I didn’t have any. The bell rang, and I scrambled, but only really got knocked around some more by the herd of students rushing to get to class. I was just about to just give up trying to gather my stuff and stand when someone, by some miracle, took pity on me.

  
“You need some help?”

  
“Go away.” I grumbled, already foreseeing another Eren incident waiting to happen.

  
“Oh wait, you’re new aren’t you? Oh god I’m so sorry, here, let me help you and then I can show you to your class.” This time the voice was sweet and filled with warmth Eren’s didn’t have. Soon enough, a boy was crouched down beside me, short brown hair, with the small amount of bangs parted in the middle and the slightest hint of an undercut. He grabbed some of my books and then turned to face me, “Marco, Marco Bott, nice to meet you.” And I swear his smile was infectious, especially with all those little freckles littering his face. I would have to say he was honestly… kinda cute…

  
I decided to trust him, “I’m uh, Jean.. Jean Kirstein. Thanks for helping me out.” I mumbled that last bit as I gathered up the last of my books as most of the crowd was gone by now.

  
“What happened to you anyway-oh my god your glasses!” He gasped upon seeing the shattered spectacles as I tried to put them back on the bridge of my nose, “Nono, don’t do that, you’ll get cut.. um, here, let me see them.” He takes them carefully from my grasp and looks them over before sighing, "There's nothing you can do about these. Were they a bad prescription?"

  
I shake my head, "No, just a slight nearsightedness, I should be fine for today, no doubt the teachers will put me up front if I ask anyway." I sigh and watch as Marco pulls out a small baggie from his bag and places my glasses in them before handing them back to me, and then sighs.

  
"You're already cut..." His thumb comes up and lightly swipes at the bridge of my nose and then he pulls it back so I can see the smear of red on his finger, "It was Eren, wasn't it?" He asks suddenly and I look up to him, "I'm right aren't I?"

  
"Yea." I nod and let my head hang solemnly. I feel a warm hand on my shoulder and I look back up to find warm brown eyes smiling at me.

  
"Hey, it's alright. I'm one of his rejects too. Don't worry about it Jean." He pats my shoulder before drawing his hand away, I find myself missing it's warmth, "I'll help you out. Stick by me alright? What's your first class?"

  
"Uh," I pause and pull out my schedule, only to have it snatched from me by him. He takes a quick glance at it and then hands it back to me, "You have Chem, History, French, and Literature with me." He grins and taps at his temple when I stare at him in shock, "Photographic memory, now let's get to the bathroom to clean you up, and then head to Chem huh?"

  
"Y-yea. Sure." I mumble with a nod and pocket my schedule yet again, following behind Marco as I've done since that very first day.

  
~

  
Turned out I had Literature, and Algebra with Eren. My nose also was wrenched out of place and I ended up with two bloody noses in Chem, and six later on, leading to a grand total of eight throughout the day. I had a large boot shaped bruise across my back for a good week, and that was soon joined by other miscellaneous purple blotches that turned my skin a sickly green, only to become purple yet again. My glasses never did get fixed, I got ripped a new one when I got home and made to pay for a new pair myself. Completely destroyed the little money I had in my bank account from tutoring.

  
I'd also find that I'd grow quite accustomed to getting my lunch shoved in my face right after math, that was especially fun on soup, meatloaf, or pudding days. I'd grow accustomed to the morning greeting of getting every book knocked out of my arms and shaken out of my backpack. And the send-off of Eren's homework along with mine and the threat of something much worse awaiting me the next morning if I failed to do it. I more minded how he bossed me around than doing the actual work. Unlike him I had nothing else better to do with my time than hole myself up in my room and immerse myself in my studies. All his homework really did was give me something else to learn. His fault if he flunks.

  
I'd also learn to expect a punch to the gut or across the face if I was so lucky to meet him in the hall between classes. I'd since learned and memorised his schedule and patterns though, so I knew how to avoid him. It's just, sometimes he strays from the normal, this is especially true on Mondays. I hypothesise hangovers. This made these surprise visits especially brutal because his anger and frustration spike and he actually _looks_ for me to take it out on.

  
My only saviour in any of this is Marco. Ever since that first day last year, he's stuck by me, and tried to defend me when he could, but Eren didn't pay much attention to him. Besides, he had his own trouble with Bertolt.

  
That was another thing, each of Marco's friends each had a pairing with one of Eren's buddies. Marco was stuck with Bertolt, Armin with Reiner, Historia with Ymir, and Annie with Mikasa. Armin and Marco were probably my best friends throughout all of this, and Historia and Annie were alright, but they were more of the loner, silent type. I didn't really mind honestly. I was the one lucky enough to get stuck with Eren.

But what I had learned to fear the most, was gym class. It was the only class where Eren could be superior to me, and boy did he make sure I knew it. Not only was it constant shoving, any chance Eren would get and I'd be on the floor, and the teacher was absolutely oblivious. He didn't even care to notice the bruises almost always littering my body, the bandages that always hid the cuts with. It was frustrating, but I'd learned to accept it.

  
That's where I was just now, and as I hear the last of the footsteps leave the locker room, I heave a sigh of relief and step out of the bathroom stall where I was recuperating from what most likely is now a black eye.

  
One glance on the mirror confirms my suspicions. I poke lightly at the tender skin and flinch to the pain it brings, "Great, that's just fucking great." I sneer at my reflection, with the already swollen, puffy bruising skin around my left eye, a cross of tape holding a piece of gauze over my left cheek to cover a slash from when Eren was wearing a ring and I can still feel the sting from the bluntness biting into my skin from the punch.

  
A shiver courses through me and I sigh again, the sneer dropping to a look of defeat. Hoping to cheer up slightly, I bring my hand up and gently ruffle the short blonde hair on top of my head and make it at least a bit more acceptable. Trying a smile, I eventually just accept my fate and remember that I need to get to my next class and move to my locker to start grabbing my clothes and then stripping off my shirt to change until I hear the door open and I freeze.

  
Carefully I turn and my yellow eyes lock with turquoise. I watch as shock slowly turns to a sly smirk and I can only gulp. We're alone, that's when the worst happens.

  
_**“Sup, nerd~, ready for another lesson?”**_ He grins and saunters over, his eyes wide and playful, and I can only assume he's feeding off the terror in mine. I gulp again, making sure not to respond as I break my gaze away and back to my locker. I turn away again, and close my eyes in anticipation.

  
Bad idea. I flinch at the light brush of his fingertips on my back, right over the massive bruise there from last week when he shoved me into the corner of a desk, "Still there huh? Looks like it's healing though," I suck in a breath as his touch slowly grows harsher from putting pressure on the tender skin, "mind if I make sure..." He moves the hand on it away and I yelp when his other fist connects with it, the pain riding up my spine makes my knees collapse under me and I fall to the locker room floor, "it stays there?" He finishes with a smirk, and because I'm on the floor, decides to flip me to my back from my hands and knees with a swift flick of his boot under my torso. My breath leaves me and my gaze flicks back up to his toothy grin, "Get up. Now." He growls suddenly and I scramble to my feet, my head grabbed and his fingers tugging on the blonde strands to make sure he keeps eye contact with me.

  
Suddenly, his grin falters, and I see his cheeks flush red as his eyes travel down.

  
_**“…What the—“**_ He mumbles under his breath.  
_**“…Huh?”** _ I mumble, following his gaze-  
_**“Y-Your chest it—“**_  
_**“Wait…NO—SHIT—“**_ I gasp when I notice the faint glow from his chest as well as mine  
_**“That means we’re—“** Don't you dare fucking say it-_  
_**“Aw HELL NO”** _ The chorus of our disgust echoes off the walls of the room as we both get the same idea and turn away, backing up in absolute disbelief.

  
_There is no fucking way Eren is my soulmate. No. Fucking. Way._

 


	2. Love is not in our choice but in our fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter quote by John Dryden
> 
> Ahhh, you're gonna hate me-teaser time!

After a couple of tense minutes spent in silence, Eren finally breaks it, "What the fuck are we supposed to do about this?!" He hisses, sparing a glance back at me, hand still covering over his chest, clutching his muscle shirt in a tight fist. By now our chests are back to normal, but that won't stop the memory from being burned into my mind, the image of his sign, glowing for me.  
  
"How the fuck am I supposed to know?!" I growl back, throwing on my shirt while I can- only to get the collar clutched in his fist as he lifts me up to look at him, his eyes betraying just how nervous and terrified he is underneath the pissed off look he's giving me. At least he can act pissed off, all he probably sees in me is the terrified target that he can shove around just for the hell of it.  
  
"Just what did you just do?" He growls, low and deep, putting mine to shame, and on reflex my throat constricts and I gulp. But this time I know what I did, and I'm just as frightened as he is. I guess the fear is fueling my defiant acts of bravery.  
  
"I growled at you." And this time, I up the ante, and it comes out as a snarl. I watch the shock pass across his features before it hardens again and he shoves me away, toppling me over the bench.  
  
"Just-" he runs a hand through his hair, glaring off in a random direction, "Figure something out Horseface, you're the nerd here!"  
  
What he doesn't know, is my mind is already trying to come up with a logical explanation, "There's no way. No fucking way you're my-"  
  
"Of course fucking not!" He exclaims, apparently hearing my muttering, "But even I know I'm not seeing things, and I know what that's supposed to mean!" His voice is rising considerably and I try and shush him, and thankfully he gets the message and his big mouth shuts.  
  
"I realize that, you idiot!-"  
  
"Watch it nerd-"  
  
"Oh come off it already!" I clutch at my hair in exasperation, "Okay, no one saw but us, right?" I pause and look around, making sure there really is no one before continuing, "So therefore, no one knows, right?"  
  
"Get on with it-" he mutters, waiting for me to continue. Quite honestly I'm just saying the first words that happen to come to my mouth.  
  
"So, I know the both of us kinda want to forget this even fucking happened-" he nods, his eyes narrowing on mine, "So-"  
  
"So we pretend nothing happened. Simple, I still use you as a human punching bag and give you my homework and-"  
  
"No!" It comes out before I realize it does, and my hand slaps over my mouth to the menacing look he snaps to me.  
  
"What was that?" He tilts his head and lifts an eyebrow and I know he's pissed.  
  
"I said no..." I mutter under my breath and behind my hand.  
  
"Louder."  
  
"I said..." I drop my hand, "I said no." I spare a glance up at him, flinching at first, but holding his gaze.  
  
"That's what I thought, now why exactly do you feel so convinced that because of this stupid mistake between us, you can suddenly defy me?"  
  
"Because there are no mistakes." I say solemnly, trying my best to act undeterred by his threatening tone that would normally have me cowering in submission. As it is, I'm twitching like mad by just holding his stare. I have to consciously make sure my shoulders don't hunch and show that he has dominance over me in any way. I make sure my back is straight, and my head held high, actually giving me just about an inch on him, something he seems to notice right away, but doesn't voice, "If you're my soulmate, you're my fucking soulmate. That doesn't mean we have to agree with it dickwad. Now if you would just fucking listen to me, I was GOING to say that I would be willing to still do your homework if you needed me to. But I expect the beatings and harassment to at least become less frequent, and if I were to say I'd prefer them to stop completely."  
  
"Not gonna happen nerd-"  
  
"Fine, then I can let the whole school know exactly what happened in here. Thanks to you, my reputation here is shit, so I don't have to worry about damaging it. As for you however, being soulmates with the kid you bully every day... Based on social interactions and such, I doubt things will stay the same for you." I finish, and he looks bewildered for a second, before my words sink in and he narrows his eyes on me, but suddenly his smirk blooms once again and my stomach twists.  
  
"Sure Horseface, go ahead, I'll call your bluff. And besides, no one saw it, so I can easily just deny it, and once again, based on reputations, who do you think they'll believe?"  
  
Shit... I was hoping he wouldn't catch onto that, "I don't think you get it Eren, they'll believe me. Why the hell would I ever claim that my own bully is my soulmate unless it's true? And plus, your denial can and will be seen as a clincher in proving my accusation correct, as the both of us well know it is." He stays silent, so my confidence blooms and I continue, "Not to mention, people don't joke about soulmates, no one does." My voice takes on a stern tone, "And, as you've pointed out multiple times, I'm a nerd, I don't joke about things, I follow the rules. So yea, they'll believe me."  
  
He glares at me for a couple more seconds, and I take it I stunned him into silence. Either that or I confused him with my logic, regardless, I win. Unfortunately, whenever I freak him out with my logic, he likes to accompany that with reminding me of my place. For instance, I'm now involuntarily cringing and cowering, already poised to flee. However, the fist I was expecting to my face doesn't come. Instead, he grabs my collar again, and brings me up close and personal, face to face, eye to eye.  
  
"Listen here you little shit. This. Never. Happened. Understand me? It never happened." His voice is lower than I've ever heard it, and a shiver courses through me, until I freeze. The gears in my mind are turning, and suddenly I notice very very strange things. Eren's oceanic gaze is hazed, his lip is caught between his teeth, and I can hear that his breathing is irregular, seems more of an effort than usual. It's a break in his composure, and it isn't until I wriggle to try and escape his grasp that I hear the faintest of moans and his grip slackens. It's the same deep tenor as his usual voice is, and the sound roots me to the spot. I don't know what possesses me to, but I look down.  
  
Yet another mistake.  
  
And then, of course, to make it worse, what do I do? I take my hand and gently, ever so gently trace a finger down the tent straining at the front of Eren's jeans. Looking back up I watch as he bites his lip, shivers, and whimpers under my touch as my shirt falls from his grip. My hand apparently has a mind of its own and I don't realize I was cupping his package and massaging it passively, drawing another, louder moan from the brunet until my hand is suddenly swatted and I'm shoved away by his other hand to my shoulder. I stumble, but manage to stay upright, and when I blink and refocus, he's panting, hunched, and his cheeks seem a darker pink, probably from both mortification and arousal.  
  
And for some damned reason, it turns me on. And then his gaze flicks up to mine, and I whimper myself to the painful throb that makes itself known in my crotch. Why the fuck are we both sporting raging boners right now?  
  
"Get. Out." Eren cuts through my thoughts and shoots me a glare, all his other threats are nothing compared to this one. I know if I don't obey something far worse than what I've ever gotten will be coming to me.  
  
But of course, I'm on a roll with mistakes today.  
  
Silently I step back towards him, and in a fit of lust and bravery fueled by the adrenaline caused from the fear I have of this kid, and the confusion of recent events, I kiss him. My lips mold to his and I suck softly once, twice, and then pull away. I don't get very far before his hand shoots to my waist and roughly pulls me back, his other hand now busying itself with tickling the hairs in my dark brown undercut. His kiss is much harsher, more needy, and lasts a few seconds longer before he's pushing me away again with a gasp.  
  
"Never speak of this." He says quietly in a dark undertone, and before I truly comprehend what's going on, or what just happened, he's gone and I'm alone in the locker room once again. Dazed, disoriented, and horny as fuck.  
  
For Eren.  
  
~  
  
"Alright Jean," Armin closes his book sharply, sets his pencil down and takes off his glasses, regarding me with his cool blue eyes as I trace my finger in lazy patterns in my own textbook, "Spill."  
  
"Spill what?" I try and act innocent, but he won't fall for my shit by now. He knows better, and I don't blame him, I know I've been acting off since the incident in the locker room today. Marco tried questioning me on the way to my next class, about why Eren came practically running out of the room and sprinting down the hall. He got worried and came in after me, but I just brushed him off, assured him I wasn't hurt any worse than usual, and convinced him that getting to class was more important because we were already late as it was.  
  
He dropped it, but apparently said something to Armin. I'm not surprised, he probably wants to see if Armin will get anything out of me while we study. Originally our study group was the three of us, but Marco goofed off too much, and I got sucked in to easily, so Armin found it hard to focus with the two of us giggling. So now we swap out Armin, though he usually goes with Marco because I can study pretty easily on my own, not that Marco does bad in school, he just gets distracted to easily and Armin helps to keep him focused. With me and Armin, it's basically silent as we keep to ourselves, but the other presence is a comfort for the both of us.  
  
Except now.  
  
"Jean you know what I'm talking about." Armin sighs and rests his cheek on the palm of his hand as his elbow is propped up on his knee. For some weird reason he always studies sitting cross-legged. I'm normally on my stomach with my feet waving in the air or at a desk, and Marco can't stop changing positions.  
  
"I need to study for Mr. Smith's class." I mumble, trying to stray from the topic, but Armin won't budge.  
  
"Jeanbo, you're not even reading. You've been staring blankly at that page for the past half hour. C'mon just talk to me, did Eren say something? Do something worse? Yell at you?" I glance up and quickly look back down when I see how sympathetic and caring his gaze is. I feel guilty enough about not telling them, trust me I want to, but I can't.  
  
"No." I shake my head and blink slowly, finger paused on a word in the textbook: heterochromia. I sigh and let my head fall so my forehead rests on the cool pages.  
  
"Then what?" Armin presses and I shake my head again, feeling the friction on my forehead as I recollect the day's events, "He didn't even give you his homework today too, I figured you'd be happy!"  
  
"Arm, just drop it, please?" I grumble and roll onto my back, one arm over my eyes.  
  
"How can I? We care about you Jean, and we know what it feels like to be bullied. You can confide in us, you know that right?" He whispers, shifting next to me and running a hand through my hair soothingly, something Marco found calms me down.  
  
"Mmm, I know." I confirm in a whisper and move my arm so I can look up at him, "And you know how grateful I am to have you two as friends, best friends." I smile softly up at him and he seems to take the bait, "And you know how you two can talk to me too right?"  
  
"Mhmm." Armin nods and smiles back, just as softly, "I just.. I wish you would tell us."  
  
"Don't worry about it Ar', I wish I could tell you too." I whisper and he bites his lip, his eyes staining with worry.  
  
"Promise me something then?"  
  
"Mm?"  
  
"Be careful, okay?"  
  
"I will, I promise."  
  
"Alright.... Marco and I are always here."  
  
"I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you may have noticed the rating change... it will get there eventually, no worries. The smut will come....


	3. If I love you, what business is it of yours?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter quote by Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
> 
> Jean copes with Eren gone missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know this took awhile but I hope it's arrival makes up for the lateness!

It's been three days. The locker room incident was Tuesday, and for the fifth time in the past half hour, I find myself staring at the door to the class, waiting for it to open. I can usually focus in on the monotonous droning of the stupid Algebra teacher, I can usually easily push through, as it was something to focus on other than Eren's stare driven into the back of my head from the back row. But there's no stare today. There was no stare yesterday either, or the day before. And honestly, as much as I hate to admit it, the stress, worry, and anxiety has only grown with each passing day Eren is missing. I haven't even seen him in the halls, and though it's not uncommon for him to skip, even for an entire week in a row, this is not the same. It's not him skipping for some stupid reason, he's skipping because of what happened.  
  
  
And what scares me is I'm not just worried of what's going to happen when he comes back, I'm worried _for_ him. I'm worried about where he is right now, what he's doing, and I find myself hoping beyond hope, despite the fear, that the next time I glance at the door, it's just going to magically open and he'll walk in with that same stupid grin on his face, and everything will go back to normal.  
  
  
But it's a false hope when I hear the bell ring, and someone next to me nudges me out of my trance and I gather up my stuff, including my empty notebook page, and follow the herd of students out of the room and to lunch.  
  
  
"Jean! Over here!" Marco calls to me with a waving hand, directing me to the table to sit between him and Armin with Annie and Historia across from us, silently eating their own meals. I do however manage to catch a worried look from both of them directed at me.  
  
  
"Still no Eren today?" Annie eventually asks in her usual bored tone, but when I look up she's actually sparing me a longer than normal glance, eyes flicking between mine once before dropping her gaze back down to her fork, a look of distaste crossing her features. I follow the movement and watch the prongs push around the corn kernels in the tray, until I remember she asked me something.  
  
  
"No... Still no sign of him." I mutter silently, moving my eyes to look back down at my own tray, the untouched shitty excuse for a hamburger that had a piece of extremely processed cheese slapped on it coupled with corn and a wheat roll. It's the epitome of health I tell you. My stomach churns just looking at it, and I can't deal with it today when I just feel so damn shitty to begin with.  
  
  
"He'll probably turn up Monday, so I'd enjoy the freedom while you can." Annie winces and subconsciously brings a hand up to rub her bruised cheek. Mikasa and Eren are known for their more brutal and physical attacks rather than Reiner and Bertolt's psychological, and Ymir's emotional.  
  
  
"Hey, cheer up Jean, at least you have less of a workload right? Less homework?" Marco suggests with a smile and an arm wrapped around my shoulder. I lean against it, welcoming the closeness as I glance up at him and immediately regret it once I see his eyes darken and his eyebrows furrow with worry, his lips slipping into a concerned frown as well, "Jeanbo are you alright?" He asks quietly, only for me to hear and maybe Armin.  
  
  
I nod, but I can tell he isn't believing it one bit, "Fine, I'm not okay, I'm worried." I whisper under my breath and look away, going to pick up my fork again to play with my food. I don't get to before the arm that was wrapped around my shoulders closes its hand around my wrist and I'm being tugged gently up and off my seat, "Wait, what?"  
  
  
"C'mon Jean, it's obvious you're not going to eat." Marco huffs and tugs a bit harder until I finally get up to go with him.  
  
  
"Wait-where are you two go-" Armin's confused voice gets lost in the deafening sounds of the cafeteria as Marco leads me to the doors and eventually out and into the much quieter hallway.  
  
  
"Talk." He urges once the doors close and he turns around to face me, leaning against the wall of the hallway. His brown eyes scan over every inch of my face as my fingers fidget with each other.  
  
  
"I-" I stop. My voice won't come and I just silently close my mouth again and drop my head.  
  
  
"Jean..." Marco whines quietly, walking back up to me and wrapping his arms around me in a warm and comforting embrace. I waste no time in sliding my arms around him as well and burying my face in the crook of his neck, "Jean please..." He whines and I flinch to how sad he sounds, "I hate to see you like this, please tell me, tell us what's going on. What happened in that locker room? Why is Eren gone?"  
  
  
"Marco.... Marco I wish I could tell you-"  
  
  
"He threatened you didn't he?" He suddenly pulls away and holds me at arm's length, eyebrows drawn together and lips pursed.  
  
  
"No!" I exclaim automatically, but pause and actually think about it, "Well, not really..."  
  
  
"Oh my God, Jean that's not okay, that's too far-"  
  
  
"No, no Marco it's okay, I promise-" I try and reason with him but he won't listen as his hands drop from my shoulders and he brings one up to pinch the bridge of his nose.  
  
  
"Jean how can I believe you? I don't know what happened in there, and you won't budge in telling me... You say you're worried and I believe you, but I don't know why. I want to help you Jean, both of us do, but we can't if you won't let us in..." He sighs and looks back at me, then walks back over, replacing his hands on my shoulders again, "Jean we're both really worried about you... Please... let us in. Let us help you. I'm _begging_ you."  
  
  
"Marco you don't understand, I can't..." I whimper and look away, biting my lip, "A part of me wants to tell you, but I need to keep this hidden too, just as much as Eren does." I slap a hand over my mouth the instant the words I said process fully and Marco raises an eyebrow.  
  
  
"Jean... Jean what did you do in there?" His voice has taken a dark turn and I gulp, "Jean if you were doing illegal things-"  
  
  
"No! No we weren't I swear, Marco please, I swear we weren't." I plead quickly, hoping to dear lord he believes me because we really weren't, it's not a lie.  
  
"Then what were you doing?" He presses, unrelenting. I stay silent and he lets out a frustrated groan, "Come _on_ Jean! What did you do that isn't illegal, but has you so worked up you won't focus in class, do your homework, or even eat like you should be?!"  
  
  
It's almost like I see the spark of realization hit him. I watch his eyes spark and then widen. He opens his mouth and I shake my head rapidly, "No, Marco-"  
  
  
"I swear to-"  
  
  
"Marco, wait, it-"  
  
  
"I can't believe you.. I can _not_ believe you! Jean how could you do that to yourself?!" _Wait what? Oh... He doesn't think... Oh thank god. I thought he figured it out... But what_ does _he think then?_  
  
  
"Marco-"  
  
  
"What did you think you were doing?" He hisses, cutting me off and actually starting to pace back and forth in front of me, "Trying to be brave? Trying to show off? Jean do you know what's going to happen when he comes back?!"  
  
  
"I have a vague idea..." I mumble, understanding what he thinks I did as he continues to grumble under his breath.  
  
  
He thinks I punched Eren or something and the he's just nursing his wounded pride and waiting for whatever bruise to heal before he shows his face again. He thinks I'm worried for when he's going to show up again. I mean, honestly I'm surprised he hadn't jumped to that conclusion earlier in the week. But I can't say anything now, not when he's this worked up. Plus, what am I supposed to say?  
  
  
Just randomly blurt out, "I kissed him"?  
  
  
"What?" Marco stops completely and snaps his head back to me, "what did you just say?" I must look like a deer caught in headlights, stock still and eyes wide with terror, "Did you just... Did I just hear you right?"  
  
  
"I-uh-what did I say?" I stutter out under his scrutinizing gaze. _That's it, I'm doomed. I just gave it away, dammit brain for just blurting out whatever is on my mind!_  
  
  
"I could've sworn I heard you just say that you kissed him..." He mumbles, watching my no doubt give-away reactions carefully. I feel myself go ramrod stiff and hear a mortified gasp leave my lips against my will- "Holy shit you kissed him." Marco gasps, and that marks the first time I heard the poor sweet freckled angel swear, "Jean you didn't- why would you-"  
  
  
"Marco please-"  
  
  
"Please what Jean?! Why would anyone ever... Ever just _kiss_ the person that beats the crap out of them on a daily basis?!? What has gotten into you?!"  
  
  
"He kissed me back..." I feel my lips and tongue move of their own accord to form the words and basically I resign to whatever my mind has planned because keeping secrets that I promised to obviously isn't a priority, even though it should be the highest one. I can only hope it keeps the biggest secret shut away in the "instances I will never speak of" category.  
  
  
"He what?!? That makes absolutely no sen-" And then Marco narrows his eyes and laughs darkly, humorlessly, "Jean seriously? Stop messing with me, this isn't funny." He shakes his head and walks back over to me, searching my eyes desperately, hoping that what I said was in fact just that, a joke. I watch as the hopeful light fades out as his eyes continue to search mine, to be replaced with desperation, until he looks down for a couple seconds, and then finally a mix of pain and betrayal when they look up again. I only am able to register it before they close and he turns away and bows his head to rest in one of his hands.  
  
  
"Why Jean? Why?" He questions, all but silent and what I do hear is sounding utterly defeated and it throws me for a loop, "Why would you....?"  
  
"I-I don't know..." And that's still not a lie. I still don't know why I just suddenly kissed the bastard,  "It just kinda... Happened..." I whisper, my hands fidgeting again at my waist. I mean, of course I know that we're fucking soul mates apparently, but still... I don't understand. I don't love him, I don't even like him. He hurts me, in more ways than one... But yet, something in me made me kiss him, and something in him made him kiss me... And now both of us are running away from it, hopelessly confused. Or at least, I hope that's how he feels too... But it's quite likely he's more angry and frustrated than confused...  
  
  
When I look up, I find Marco's shoulders shaking slightly and I hear small whimpers coming from him, his back still to me and a wave of guilt washes over me. I try and step closer to put a hand on his shoulder, but before I can he cuts me off, "Marco-Marco are you alright-"  
  
  
"I-I need to go home." He chokes out and without another word rushes down the hallway and out of my sight.  
  
It took a couple minutes, but it was then that I decided that for the first time in my life, I was going to ditch.  
  
  
~  
  
  
An hour later I'm on my bed staring blankly up at the ceiling when I hear my phone buzz on the nightstand next to me. I pay it no mind until it buzzes again a minute later.  
  
  
_2 new messages from Armin_  
  
  
A harsh breath leaves my nose as I turn away again and close my eyes. I don't want to deal with this right now. A couple more minutes pass until I hear my phone buzzing again, but this time a ringtone accompanies it.  
  
  
_Call from Armin_  
  
  
I stare at it until the buzzing stops and wait another minute until it chimes and text appears on the screen again.  
  
  
_One new voicemail_  
  
  
Groaning, I turn away and onto my side so my back faces the dreaded electronic device and I wait for any more buzzing. Soon enough two more text messages accompany the first two. Each one makes me tense up even more, and I feel myself flinch to another call after those two and another voicemail. Quiet creeps in again for a while, but I almost find myself missing the faint buzz of the phone. Turning back over to face it I almost jump out of my skin when it lights up and buzzes again. Only this time it's different.  
  
  
_New message from Freckles_  
  
  
Biting my lip I stare at the name for a couple seconds before my resolve crumbles and I finally pick up my phone. I decide against looking at Marco's first and instead at Armin's.  
  
  
**Armin** : _Hey, you never came back to lunch and you aren't in class, you alright?_  
  
**Armin** : _Is the study session still on for tonight too?_  
  
**Armin** : _Jean why aren't you picking up? Is everything okay?_  
  
**Armin** : _Jean c'mon please, just answer me, I need to know you're alright._  
  
  
A shiver of guilt cuts through me and I close out of messages and open up my voicemails and listen to the first one,  
  
  
_"Jean, it's Armin, please answer your phone."_  
   


The voicemail automatically moves to the next one as well,

 

 _"Jean I'm really getting worried. Call me as soon as you get this, please."_  
  
  
I suck in a breath and try to compose myself after hearing how frantic and worried Armin sounds even through just a voicemail... My spacing out is interrupted though when the device buzzes in my hand, telling me I have another new message from Armin. I open it:  
  
  
**Armin** : _I can see that you read these, please just answer me..._  
  
  
My fingers hover over the keypad for a couple seconds until they press down and I type out a quick message.  
  
  
**Jean:** _I'm home, everything's fine._  
  
**Armin:** _Somehow I doubt that statement. Why did you leave?_  
  
  
Apparently I stared at the screen for too long because another message pops up.

  
  
**Armin:** _Jean, I know that's not true. I know you, and I know you don't ditch without a very good reason. What happened with you and Marco?_  
  
  
I type out "Nothing happened", then decide against it and delete it. Chewing on my lip I try and figure out what to say, and type out "Nothing" again, but before I can send it Armin sends another message:  
  
  
**Armin:** _Marco isn't answering his phone.... Can I just come over after school like we planned and we can talk?_  
  
  
Back spacing, I leave a simple "No" in the box and instead of sending it, I stare at it for awhile. Resigning finally I backspace completely, type out a quick "Yes" and then press my thumb against the "send" button before I can think it over. He wastes no time in responding, and I can almost feel the tension he had disappear just through a simple set of words.  
  
  
_**Armin:** Thank you. I'll see you later Jean._  
  
  
It isn't until I flop back over on my bed and stuff my face into my pillow that I remember Marco sent a text as well. Hesitantly I open my phone back up and click on the messages icon again, and this time click on Marco's.  
  
  
**Freckles:** _Jean, I'm sorry for overreacting today, I hope this won't affect anything between us.. I really don't want it too..._  
_And I... I was wondering if you could come over and we could talk later? I want to apologize and fix what happened today... If that's okay?_  
_If not I understand. Just... I'm still here for you okay? I won't ever stop being here for you._  
  
  
Sniffling once I bite my lip again and nod my head. My fingers move of their own accord and soon enough I'm staring back down at my own response:  
  
  
**Jean:** _It's okay, I understand. How does after dinner sound? I'll plan on being there around 7?_  
  
**Freckles:** _Yea... That sounds great. Thanks Jean, I'll see you then._


	4. If love is shelter, I'm going to walk in the rain.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter quote by Unknown
> 
> Armin comes over, and then Jean goes to fix things with Marco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, I'm actually feeling really good about this, I actually came out with a chapter /somewhat/ quickly xD  
> I'm also hesitantly, and i mean HESITANTLY willing to say that maybe, MAYBE I could possibly manage to try and do a chapter every other Monday? That sound good?

A not-so-refreshing nap later, rudely interrupted by incessant pounding on my door, my eyes open and I blink blearily, clearing the film of sleep from my vision.  
  
"Jeanbo~" the muffled voice outside the door makes me groan and slump back onto the bed, stuffing my face into my pillow and throwing the covers up over myself.  
  
"I'm decent, you can come in." I growl out finally and then hear the door click open.  
  
"Oh did I wake you up? I'm sorry." The little blonde's voice comes in through the comforter and I lift my hand, moving the covers down enough to expose it, and wave it around, hoping he understands it as a dismissive 'it's fine' wave. I hear his books drop softly onto my desk and then the dip in the mattress accompanied by the wonderful creak of it when he sits next to me. I flinch at first when I feel his hands running through my hair, but relax almost instantly and all but melt into the bed.  
  
"Mmmmmmmm~" the rumbling voice bubbles out of my throat without permission as I curl in more towards the person sitting there, opening my eyes enough to allow my arms to wrap around his waist in thanks and nuzzle my cheek against his hip.  
  
"Jean... You're never this affectionate..." He sounds worried at first, but then his voice shifts and I lift my eyes to watch a small smile corrupt his lips, "Maybe I should wake you up more often."  
  
A non-committal grunt is his answer as I continue to nuzzle into his side and tighten my arms around his waist, "No studying." I mumble out, "Can't focus, plus it's Friday." I don't hear him respond and I look up again to find him chewing on his lip in contemplation, "C'mon Ar, please?"  
  
"....Fine." He resigns and shakes his head softly, "Do you need a couple minutes to wake up or can I ask questions?"  
  
"I... Um... I.. I think I'm good." I answer quietly, my voice muffled by his shirt and I move to sit up and perch myself on the edge of the bed next to him. Unfortunately this requires me to let go of him as I do so, but as if he can read my mind, he leans his head against my arm and I relax again.  
  
"So... Where did you and Marco go?" He starts quietly, probably looking to not bombard me with the horrible questions and trying to ease me into it. It's instances like this where I love how understanding he is.  
  
"He just took me outside the cafeteria doors... So we could talk. He... He um pressed me a little harder as to what happened..." My gaze is fixated on my lap as I concentrate on my hands and fingers, locking them together, then breaking them apart, twining them around each other, anything to keep them occupied.  
  
"Did he ask or guess anything?"  
  
"Uh, yea actually... At first he was mad because he thought Eren had threatened me, but then I let something slip and he thought something different, and I just... I couldn't let him think the wrong thing, and there was no other way... So I kinda just... Spilled it..." I pause and chew on my lip, shutting my eyes as my breathing starts to quicken.  
  
"Keep going... You're okay. Eren can't hurt you here Jean." Armin whispers soothingly and wraps his arm around mine.  
  
"Ye-yea... I know.." I take a deep breath and try again, "Marco... He uh...he didn't believe me at first, but then he... He just... Deflated almost. He looked so sad and despondent, and when I tried to reach out to comfort him he said he had to go home and disappeared. I felt sick and I knew I wouldn't have been able to do anything at school so I just went home.."  
  
"Okay..." He pauses and I can tell the gears are turning, trying to figure out what to say, "Do you mind if I ask what you told him? I mean, you said it slipped out so I understand if you-"  
  
"No, no it's fine... If Marco knows then you should too..." I take a deep breath and close my eyes, "I... I kissed Eren."  
  
Waves of silence have me struggling to keep my anxiety down, until finally he speaks, "You-" it comes out as a squeak until he clears his throat, "You... You kissed Eren?" I feel him shudder next to me and look down to see his face all scrunched up with his eyes closed. _Well at least he isn't yelling at me..._  
  
After a couple seconds goes by he shakes his head sharply as if to clear his head and then looks back up at me, his baby blue eyes looking haunted but a little calculating as well, "Sorry, I just.. Bad image. It wasn't you though... I was just picturing what would've happened if I tried to... To Reiner... I-" He shudders again and I cut him off.  
  
"It's okay, I get it, it's fine." I shush him softly and rub up and down his back as he calms down and can look back up at me again.  
  
"Okay... okay I'm okay now... I can see why you're so worked up though..." He whispers and nuzzles his face into my arm again, clutching at it tighter now.  
  
"Well... Um there's also the fact that after I kissed him... He uh, he kissed me back..." That gets an immediate response as Armin bolts upright and stares wide-eyed in shock.  
  
"He-he... H-he... Oh my... Holy... _Jean_!" Armin just looks absolutely speechless and shocked to the bone, and that's kinda a difficult thing for the calm and calculating literary genius the arian is.  
  
"Yea... I don't know what came over me but I just.. I kissed him, and, well, backed away but he grabbed my waist, pulled me back, and kissed me harder before he ran out... Told me to never speak of it... And yea... He disappeared, and here I am..." My voice gets considerably softer and softer until it's barely above a whisper, my eyes only flicking to his, before dropping to my lap again.  
  
"O-oh... Do you... Have any sort of idea as to why?"  
  
"I don't like him Ar... Let alone have a crush on the dick... But..." I trail off and bite my lip to keep from saying anything else.  
  
"But what Jean?" Armin asks delicately, no doubt waiting for me to turn him down again. But honestly, honestly I feel like I need to tell _someone_ something at the very least...  
  
"But... Ever since he disappeared after that... I'm not just worried for what'll happen when he comes back... I'm worried _for_ him.. I'm scared he's out there right now doing something incredibly stupid, and I don't want him to, I don't want to see him come in Monday with a hangover, not because that's when he's the most unpredictable, but because that would mean he was drinking and taking Lord knows what the night before... I just... Why is this happening Ar? I never felt this way about him before, all he meant to me was concrete fear, worry, and pain, for me when I was around him, but now it's a different fear worry and pain, for _him_ and I don't know what to do about it.."  
  
"Jean... As much as I wish I could say that I can help you, I have no idea what's going through your head right now. And no matter how much you tell me, I don't think I'll ever be able to relate enough to help you. I can say this though, that I would watch out. You don't want to get close to someone like Eren, he'll only drag you down Jean." I feel a prick of anger to his words, defiance, and it makes me flinch and have even more confusion cross my features, but thankfully his eyes are closed and he doesn't catch it.  
  
"I know. He isn't good for me. I have you and Marco, and that's all I'll ever need." I whisper, but no matter how much I try and convince myself that I believe those words, there's still that voice in the back of my head: _You need Eren too._  
  
~  
  
Armin ends up staying for dinner after another nap and a couple hours of gaming - I'm not entirely a nerd, I know how to have fun too - and we go our separate ways when we head out my front door together.  
  
"Good luck with Marco, let me know how it goes alright?" Armin smiles and waves as he heads across the street to go down to his street.  
  
"Yea sure, I'll text you in the morning." I nod and wave back before stuffing my hands in the pocket of my deep green hoodie. That's a plus with Marco and Armin, they both live five minutes away walking, so we can just head over whenever we want, and more often than not end up sleeping over each other's house. We basically have a system. If you want a good breakfast, we sleep over my house. If you want good stories, and to just basically do whatever we want, we go over Armin's with his grandfather, and if we want sweetness beyond measure, a really good dinner, and a ton of board games, we go over Marco's.  
  
Tonight, although I hope I can sleep over, I doubt it'll happen with the circumstances. Well, it depends on how this goes over... I just hope everything is okay with us. He looked so sad and... Just... betrayed. And I don't know why.  
  
Taking a deep breath I walk up to the front door, reach up, fix my glasses, and then rap a couple times on the door, in the pattern that announces that it's me. Each of us have our own patterns we came up with for knocking so we can tell who it is at the door.  
  
I don't have to wait and let my anxiety build for long. Within a couple seconds, the door opens and reveals a bright smiling face littered with more freckles than I've ever seen on anyone else before.  
  
"Hi Mrs. Bo-" my voice cut off when I hear a screech somewhat resembling my name and then feel myself all but topple over as arms wrap around my legs.  
  
"JEAN!-jeanjeanjeanjeanjeanjean c'mere, c'mere I gotta show you somethin'!" Little Isaac grins up at me, the epitome of his big brother with his sweet little smile and dark brown hair.   
  
"Alright alright Isaac, calm down he isn't going anywhere." His mother giggles and sends me an apologetic grin that I wave off when I pick up the little bundle of energy to let him straddle my waist.  
  
"C'mon horsey! Giddy-up! Let's go!" Issac cheers and bounces in my arms but I freeze at his first exclamation, tensing up involuntarily. Thankfully Marco rounds the corner at the right time and senses the obvious discomfort, relieving me of the wiggly child and taking my arm gently to lead me in the house.  
  
"Jean you're alright, it's okay." He whispers quietly and let's go of my arm to rub my shoulder, and it helps calm my nerves. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I let it out, long and slow.  
  
"I sowwy Jean..." The little boy pouts and looks so sad and I know he didn't mean anything.  
  
"No it's okay, I'm fine now, what did you wanna show me cutie?" I offer him a grin and he moves to get himself out of Marco's arms. Wiggling until he gets his way, as soon as his feet touch the floor he bolts off into what the Bott family refers to as the "toy room" calling over his shoulder for me and 'big bro' to follow him. Marco shoots me a shrug and a small smile, which I return, glad the little child was able to ease tension between us before it even happened.  
  
We spent awhile with Isaac playing with his Legos before he was sent up to bed, complaining the whole way about wanting to keep playing with me. Once he's out of our earshot, a silence befalls Marco and I as we continue to fix and update our own Lego creations. His is an almost exact replica of an x-wing fighter ship from Star Wars. Meanwhile mine isn't really modeled after anything in particular... It's pretty much a ship of my own design, though if I had to peg it on something, it kinda resembles a larger version of a Jedi Starfighter, in scale of course.  
  
"Hey Jean?" Marco finally breaks the silence and I look up to see his brown eyes clouded with worry and regret, and my heart aches for him, "Can we move to my room?" His voice lowers substantially and I nod, understanding that he wants privacy away from his parents who know nothing of the bullying that plagues their son and his two best friends.   
  
In the safety of his room, the second the door clicks shut, his arms are around me and he's clutching onto me as tightly as possible, "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to overreact..." He whispers, nuzzling his head into the crook of my neck and tightening his arms even more, "I just... I'm worried about you Jean..." His head comes up again and his eyes find mine, searching my amber gaze with his brown, "I really am sorry though..."  
  
"Marco it's okay... I forgive you." I whisper, letting my arms wrap around him as well, "I don't blame you for reacting how you did, I mean, it's not every day that someone kisses their bully only for the bully to kiss them back..." I attempt a small chuckle, but watch pain flash across his eyes again, if only for a split second. I question if I even saw it when I hear his low chuckle join mine.  
  
"Yea... I can't imagine what would happen to me if I tried that on Bertolt..." He looks up at me, bringing one of his hand to the back of his neck, then scoffs, "No, I do. Reiner would murder me on the spot. Everyone knows the two of them are soulmates." He shakes his head but then offers a small grin up to me, "We good?"  
  
"Yea... We're good." I mirror the smile and press my forehead to his gently.  
  
"I won't let you out of my sight come Monday morning. Eren won't lay a finger in you, mmk?" He murmurs, and I nod.  
  
"Mmk."  
  
~  
  
That night I did end up staying over Marco's house, borrowing a pair of his sweatpants to sleep in as usual, and got probably the most restful sleep I've had all week. We fell asleep with him on his beanbag and me on the bed, but at some point during the night the snugglebutt decided he wanted my warmth, so this morning I found myself trapped by a tangle of freckled limbs with dark brown hair splayed across my chest. He apologized profusely when he did wake up, but I waved it off with a grin. I liked it, and even though the gesture was made during the time when both of us were completely unaware, to me it meant something, it made me feel wanted, needed even. And when you're treated like shit on a daily basis, well, something like that is a blessing.  
  
After a light breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, more badgering from little Isaac, and pleasant conversations with Mrs. Bott, I was in my way home.   
  
"Hey Mom, yea, I'm on my way home..... Yea I ended up staying over... I sent you a text, didn't you see it? ...oh... Oh you lost your phone.... Wait what? What do you mean? ... Just-never mind, I'm turning the corner now I'll see you in like two seconds." Sighing I press the end call button and pocket my phone again as I walk up my driveway and then up the steps to my front door. Screen door first, then actual door, Mom greets me the instant she hears the door opening and says to come to the living room.  
  
"Jean, Dear, in the living room, and hurry up, we don't want to keep your guest waiting." She calls sweetly and then drops her voice again to carry on the conversation with whoever is here. Slipping off my shoes in the entrance-way I pay no mind to the sneakers there that are much too large to be Armin's. Instead, I make my way towards the source of my mother's voice and turn the corner into the living room.  
  
"There you are Jeanbo, Eren here wanted to talk to you about something he isn't quite understanding in your math class. He hoped that maybe you could explain it because you're in the same class." She grins as if the person on the couch isn't who I've been dying to see for the past four days. As if the person on the couch isn't the same person who puts the bruises and cuts on her son. As if she's completely clueless as to how much of a monster the boy in front of her, sitting on that very couch, can be. As if this boy is one of the best things to bless this household, "Isn't it great Jean? Maybe you could tutor him! You'd like that, right Eren?" She grins down at that stupid face of his, and I finally tear my eyes from her and turn my gaze down to the side. There sits my worst nightmare, in all his glory, staring up at me with those stupid bright turquoise eyes, now dulled with an emotion I can't distinguish.  
  
"Hey Jean..."


	5. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter quote by Robert Frost
> 
> Some pure Erejean and all their explosiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HeY! This is early as fuck I know xD But I've also been home sick for the past two days so I had time, so here you guys are :D

I'm trapped, literally and figuratively. I never thought it possible, but the bastard outsmarted me. Unless... Unless he didn't mean to and it was just a lucky coincidence on his part... But either way, there is absolutely nothing I can possibly do in this situation but try and smile, give an awkward wave, and greet Eren with just as much hesitation as he did for me.  
  
"Hey, Eren..." There is no doubt in my mind that he's analyzing my reaction, analyzing how frightened I am of the fact that he knows where I live, that he now is on my mother's good side, that now if I even think about saying something, it's his word against mine. But he also knows that if I haven't said anything yet, then I won't say anything. It's been close to two years, and he is now fully aware that my mother knows nothing of how he bullies me- wait hold on...  
  
_Is that... His face went from looking hesitant, to looking concerned, worried... And is that fucking regret that I see?! Okay what the hell is going on-_  
  
"Jean why don't you take this nice boy up to your room and you can study together while I clean up a bit down here and have lunch ready for when you're done, how does that sound?" My mother interrupts my thought process and by the time I look back at Eren, what I saw was gone, and the fire in those turquoise eyes is back. I don't think I'd ever thought that I'd be glad to see his eyes that amped up. It's normal, things are back to normal... If only somewhat. I have something to hold onto, something to ground me in the weird shit that has been going on for the past four days. But that also means that once I'm alone with him-  
  
"Actually I think it would be better if I go grab my books and bring them down here, that way we can have the couch and the TV on as background noise." I suggest, hoping my mom buys it-  
  
"Oh I can go help you bring them down then," Eren tacks on and I inwardly squeal in terror to that idea.  
  
"Isn't he so sweet Jean?" My mother beams and goes in for the kill, pinching Eren's cheek. He looks shocked, and after she lets go, he starts rubbing the offended area, looking absolutely dumbfounded with his smirk wiped clean off his face, "Nonsense, I insist boys, go ahead upstairs, I'll just be watching my old shows down here. Go ahead, run along." She smiles and ushers me out of the doorway, telling Eren to just follow me and I gulp, horrified I let this happen.  
  
I make the mistake of glancing back as I climb the stairs, and find hunger in Eren's gaze, making me shiver as I pick up the pace a bit to try and distance myself from him as much as possible in the little time I have. I know I'm doomed, I know he's not going to hold back after what happened, and I know that because we're alone, behind closed doors, that it's going to be brutal, and there's not a damned thing I can do to stop it.  
  
Carefully I creak open the door, step in, and hold it open for Eren as he steps through the threshold, and I take a deep breath before closing the door, and sealing my fate, dreading the sound of the click when it comes-  
  
"Ah-" I only have time for that short gasp to get out before I'm pinned against the door and Eren's lips are crashed onto mine. Shock is quickly replaced by my own hunger for him, and I find myself easily giving in and kissing him back with the same amount of ferocity. I didn't realize how much I needed him, this, until now. Somehow his knee finds its way between my thighs and a moan breaks between our lips, giving him the chance to slip his tongue past my lips and slide against my own.  
  
It takes a couple seconds, but my mind does come back to me and I bring my hands up between us and shove him away and off of me with a "Get off me!" hissed in his direction, hunching over and panting horribly once I can breathe again.  
  
"What-the fuck-was that?!" I yell whisper between pants, glaring up at Eren who's pupils are blown almost completely, and my eyes widen to the sight. He's standing there, in the middle of my room, staring at me as if I'm the most tantalizing piece of meat he's ever seen and quite honestly it terrifies me, "E-Eren?"  
  
He takes a step towards me and I raise a hand to stop him, and surprisingly enough, he complies, stops, and seems to understand the severity of what he just did when he blinks a couple times and all but collapses onto my bed, "H-holy shit..." I hear his voice muffled behind his hands and I swear this is the most confusing thing I have ever encountered.  
  
"Eren-" I try and call his name again but his eyes snap up to mine and I freeze in my spot.  
  
"Fucking stop it Jean!" He hisses at me and stand again, stalking over to me, "Stop fucking plaguing my mind! I can't stop thinking about you and that day and-JUST STOP!" He throws a fist out and I instinctively duck and flinch, but said fist wasn't aiming for me, it was aiming for the wall. When I look up I see a noticeable dent and crack in the drywall of my room and I pray that Mother didn't hear it. After a couple tense seconds, I deduce she hadn't because no sounds were coming from the steps.  
  
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?" I whisper once he pulls his hand back and starts inspecting his knuckles, "First you beat me up every day, then we find out we're soulmates, then you kiss me back after I kissed you, and then you ran away for fucking three days leaving me to worry like mad about you and now you just fucking show up at my house, kISS ME, AND THEN FUCKING PUNCH MY WALL! HOW IS THIS O-" I get cut off by his hand covering my mouth and his eyes frantically begging me to shut up.  
  
"Jean-Jean please, I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore! You have to believe me-"  
  
"AND WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!" I rip his hand off my mouth, and then the both of us fall into another silence, and I watch the big, strong, confident Eren, completely fall apart right in front of me.  
  
"Because I don't know what's real anymore." I barely register his voice it's so quiet, and watch him fall back onto my bed again, head falling back into his hands. And then he's crying, crying softly and I can only stand there, dumbfounded.  
  
"Eren... Eren what did you drink before you came here?" I ask after a second, fearing the worst.  
  
"I... I uh... Had some.. Watsy? I think that's it-no.. No it was whisky. Yea... There was a bottle on the counter, it was only half filled so I drank it ‘cause I was thirsty. Don' worry I've drank worse." He shakes his head in his hands, "And it was like, three hours ago anyway..." He scoffs and I slowly, hesitantly take a step towards the very unstable person on my bed.

  
"Eren... Eren I want you to drink this water for me, okay?" I suggest and reach out for the water bottle on my dresser, and then offer it to him. Thankfully he takes it, and within a couple seconds, has chugged the entire thing.  
  
"Thanks." He mumbles, using the back of his hand to wipe away the excess water from his chin. He's silent for a couple more minutes, and I manage to relax slightly, but only slightly, "Hey Jean?"  
  
"Y-yes, Eren?" I stutter, snapping my gaze back up to his face rather than surveying his body for any kind of signs and warnings I could get.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"For what?" It's the shock, definitely the shock of him saying that that would've made me question such a stupid thing like that.  
  
"For kissing you." He whispers, "... Twice. I never meant to. I hope you know that." I blink a couple times, making sure I heard him right. A part of me is glad, because well, he's my bully. I don't want him kissing me. But the other part of me, the more intuitive, emotional part, one I don't usually turn to for rational thoughts or decisions is screaming at me to make him take that statement back. And I guess the screaming won.  
  
"No." I whisper, _I wanted you to kiss me, I liked it, I want you to do it again._ None of that makes it past my tightly sealed lips though, but apparently the 'no' was enough to shock him.  
  
"Jean I really am sorry-"  
  
"I said no, as in you don't need to be sorry." I cut him off quickly, surprising even myself with that confession.  
  
"I-I don't..." He mumbles, gears turning in his brain as his lip gets caught between his teeth- _and damn me for thinking that's sexy-_  
  
"So... Would you... Want me to... Kiss you again?" He asks after a second, looking up at me, trapping me in the depths of those ever expressive eyes, now filled with fear of rejection, but hope of acceptance.  
  
_No. No, definitely not. Never, you're not getting sucked into this. No. No, no. No. A thousand times no-,_ "Yes." This time it's my turn to bite my lip and blink, watching his eyes widen, "No! No, I meant no-" I stop and close my eyes painfully tight, groaning to what I just said, "I-Eren-this isn't... It's not... I don't know what the hell is going on anymore!" I growl, frustrated, "Why did you disappear for three days?!" _I need to know, I need to know what caused him to run like that, I need to make sure that it's because of what I think it was_. But as I watch his eyes narrow I know I must've hit a nerve I shouldn't have hit.  
  
"You want the truth? I'll give you the truth. After you tell me why the fuck you kissed me to begin with." He stands and I take a step back, directly into my dresser and I freeze.  
  
"I-I don't... I didn't- it's not like I wanted to-" words just aren't coming out as my mind scrambles for answers that I know I don't have.  
  
"But apparently you did, because you kissed me." He's right in front of me now, just his presence pushing me back against the dresser so the handles dig into my back, "Why. Tell me why!" He growls and grabs the front of my shirt, yanking me closer to him.  
  
"I don't know!" I squeak, turning my face away from him.  
  
"Why not?! You had to have a reason!"  
  
"It just happened! I don't know why I did it-I just did! Okay?!" I'm practically sobbing at this point and honestly I just want him to let go of me so I can function again. My entire body feels like it's in turmoil and I can't think straight, let alone speak or defend myself, "Eren please! I don't know!"  
  
"Because you kissed me." He mutters, drops me so I land in a crumpled heap at his feet, and then turns away from me and sits back down on what he now seems to think is his spot on my bed.  
  
"What?" I choke out between ragged breaths, trying to calm my anxiety down.  
  
"That's why I kissed you, because you kissed me."  
  
"That doesn't-"  
  
"Because you actually stood up to me, talked back..." He cuts me off with a sneer and I recoil, flinching, but he follows it with a whisper, one I can barely hear, "No one has done that before."  
  
"Eren-"  
  
"Don't!" He snarls, snapping his eyes back to me and fixing me in place with a glare, "Fucking. Say. Anything. I don't want your fucking pity-"  
  
"I wasn't-"  
  
"What did I just say?!" He gets up again, and I shrink down farther, closing my mouth with a whimper, "That's what I thought." He pauses, then sneers at me again, "Get the fuck up. I'm not going to hurt you." He scoffs and runs a hand through his hair as he takes his seat again, "I ran out because I couldn't believe what I just did. I didn't come back because I still couldn't believe it, and every fucking day, hour, minute, second, you were on my mind, and no matter what I did I couldn't get rid of you. I tried alcohol, I tried drugs, I even went to the gym and sparred anyone who happened to come in there, all that did was make a bunch of people in there leave with broken hands, knuckles, bruises, bloody lips, noses, I knocked a couple teeth out too. Got rid of my anger real fast, but didn't get rid of you."  
  
I managed to at least stand by the time he looks back over at me, eyes narrowed in confusion and a kind of frustrated anger towards me, "Jean, I wish I could say that I don't know why the fuck I keep thinking about you, and why I came here, and why I kissed you the second we came in this room. Yes, I'm drunk, at least somewhat, whoopdidoo, but I've pretty much decided that there is no fucking way, no possible way we can pretend that we aren't soulmates, because now not only do I feel horrible whenever I look at you and see all the bruises and cuts I've given you, now I can't imagine myself hurting you again. I can't." He growls and shakes his head angrily, looking like he's fighting an internal battle, but with the way he's speaking, I wouldn't be surprised if he is.  
  
"And I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do about that! I hate it, I hate the whole soulmate thing, I hate the fact that it's making me think all these things, making me think about you, making me angry that things aren't simple anymore." He turns his glare back on me, "And I _especiall_ y hate how it made me crave kissing you every second of every waking moment, how I still want it now, no, I feel like I need it, and I absolutely despise that stupid fucking glow thing that caused all this." He stops, his eyes searching my face, almost like he's daring me to speak.  
  
But I know better. He told me not to say a word. And I'm not about to disobey his orders again.  
  
And so, for the second time, I step forward. For the second time, I defy everything logical. And for the second time, I lean down, and I kiss him. This time it takes him a couple seconds to register it, but within seconds his hand wraps around my waist and roughly pulls me down onto his lap, leaving me to straddle him as he swallows my gasp of surprise.  
  
Everything about this is wrong, and I'm almost expecting him to shove me away, or me to shove him away, but instead I find one of my hands fisting in the back of his shirt, pulling him closer, and the other around the back of his neck. This time it's my turn to slide my tongue across his bottom lip, asking for him to grant me permission to enter his mouth. He doesn't at first, but when I bring my teeth into the equation and gently nibble his lip, the tables turn and he tightens his grip on my waist, spreading my legs wider as he pulls me closer, his other hand now making its way down the front of my shirt, making me shiver with the delicate touch I never thought Eren could accomplish.  
  
My own tongue didn't stand a chance as his keeps mine trapped in my own mouth, though with the way he's working it and making me moan, I'm almost positive at this point, it's his. He's claimed it- "Eren!" I gasp, breaking off the kiss when the hand that was running down my shirt suddenly yanks it up and he now seems to be exploring my bare skin via touch, taking into account how my body tenses and flinches whenever he gets too close to a sore spot.  
  
"Jean... You're hard..." He breathes quietly, and I flush with heat when the hand travels down and trails ever so lightly across my crotch, only to move back up and suddenly, all at once, his arm around my waist yanks me up closer on his lap, just as he bites down on the side of my neck, and I yelp to the sensation of the friction I get mixed with the pain of the bite. Moaning softly I let go and just allow my hips to just do as they wish, slowly moving on his lap, softly grinding myself against him as he busies himself with taking the sting out of the bite on my neck, rasping his tongue across it soothingly.  
  
"Eren... Eren bite me again, please..." I moan, dropping my head to his shoulder and holding onto his shoulders for dear life as waves of pleasure course through me, just by moving my hips on his and his fingers back to moving slowly across my stomach, my abs, and my chest.  
  
"Oh? You like that do you?" _Oh my fuck._ I practically feel myself melt to the sound of his voice, lower, gravely, and positively filled with pure lust, "You want me to mark you? Claim you as mine?" He asks, breath hot in my ear and I shiver when I feel his tongue lick its way up its shell.  
  
"Aren't I already?" I breathe out, and I feel him shudder to my words, but it doesn't last long before he's blowing on my ear and making my entire body flinch to the pleasure that gives me.  
  
"Where?" He questions harshly.  
  
"S-shoulder..." I stutter out, thankfully managing to sound somewhat coherent. No sooner had it left my lips though, is my shirt yanked down my arm and his teeth sinking into it, making me yelp and my dick twitch against my jeans, making me whine. This time, instead of just licking it better, the bastard is actually sucking, sucking the blood straight from my shoulder and making the bruise that much worse before he licks it clean.  
  
"You bet your ass you're mine, Jean. No one else's, only mine. Understood?" He stops and lightly pushes me away just enough so he can look at me. Unfortunately that makes me lose the little contact with his dick that I had and I whine at the loss of friction, "Jean, am I understood?" He asks a little harsher.  
  
I lift my gaze and find pools of black ringed by a tiny strand of blue green, and I nod, I nod without thinking, "Yes..." I whisper silently and watch him sigh in relief, but his gaze hardens, and even though he's panting, even though up his pupils are blown with lust, and even though his tongue is licking his lips, the look in his eyes is the most sober I've ever seen him, the most sane I've ever seen him.  
  
"No one can know about us."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I mean _no one._ "  
  
"Eren, I know." I nod to him, and he seems to relax at that. This is our secret, and no matter what, we both need to protect it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I promise the smut will come, it was gonna be here, but these two had different ideas
> 
> Also, I'm thinking of the next chapter being in Eren's POV, thoughts? Let me know what you guys wanna see!


	6. Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter quote by Woody Allen
> 
> A look into the mind of our dear friend Eren.  
> Also Levi appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea so you guys can just forget about the every other Saturday thing. Let's just put it this way: if the next chapter isn't up within two Saturdays from the most recent posting, and I haven't specified anything, then you can consider it late. Deal? Okay. Good. Moving right along...
> 
> I promised smut awhile ago, it is here friends, have some smut.
> 
> Also, I had a couple friends look over each chapter before I posted them so far, so I feel like giving them a shout out. they are [iamastegosourus](http://iamastegosourus.tumblr.com/) and [matsuokahugs](http://matsuokahugs.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, so go check them out ^-^ 
> 
> Also, another dear friend of mine, [hei-ch0u](http://hei-ch0u.tumblr.com/) has also become my official Beta reader, so please go give them some love on tumblr if you can! 
> 
> Aaaand that's bout it, enjoy!

[Eren's POV]  
  
"Shit-fucker-bastard-" the grumbling string of swears that started the second I bolted out of that locker room and now to my car as I'm driving home continues, "Pansy-bitch-asshole-dickwad-"  
  
This is the type of situation I'm eternally glad my house isn't all that far from school, and it only takes a five minute drive normally. Today however, it was cut down to two as I needed to get away from that fucking school and fucking Jean. I'm still swearing by the time I unlock the door and fling myself inside. Using my foot to kick it shut, I sprint my way to the door downstairs that goes to my room in the basement. I'm stripping off clothes as I go down the steps, so when I finally flop myself on my bed, I'm only in boxers and my hand is already pushing itself beneath the waistband. I hiss when my fingers brush through the hair and I gasp when they finally touch down and wrap around my cock after stupid fucking Jean was the reason it got hard in the first place.  
  
"Fucking asshole-shit!" I groan out and hunch over when my thumb takes it upon itself to press down harshly against the head and I start panting, relenting to just letting the pleasure ride itself out. The boxers are quickly kicked all the way off. I need a couple minutes to forget what just happened - _and holy shit this is not the way to be going about it! ... But I can't just stop now..._  
  
My other hand, the free one, trails itself up from my abdomen to my mouth and I latch on and start sucking on two fingers, eyes closed, and moaning around them as I picture them being Jean's. I picture him over me, straddling me - _whoa Eren, no. Nonono. Stop that thought process right now, just keep your hand moving and just let the pleasure take over your mind-_  
  
"Mmnnnn~" I moan and let my fingers pop out of my mouth, trailing them back down towards my other hand as my feet press flat into the bed to prop myself up a bit more and give myself the access I want. Teasingly, I let my index finger swirl itself first around my perineum, then around my hole, giving me a jolt at the contact before I slow the strokes on my cock to match the languid pace. _Jean wouldn't like it rough, he'd want to take it slow-_  
  
Growling at how the thought of him has seeped into my mind again, I speed up the pace in defiance, bringing the saliva coated hand back up to fumble in my drawer for the bottle of lube. Popping the cap with one hand I get a good amount onto my fingers, tossing the bottle somewhere on the bed. My hand moves back down, resuming its job in circling the hole, until it's twitching so much I'm whining and unknowingly speeding up my strokes on my cock. I bite my lip when I finally push my finger in, the weird sensation from it not even registering as I pump it a couple times before adding a second, and groaning, letting my head fall back as my fingers start moving faster, my body responding and hips moving to meet them and soon enough a third finger is added, pace ever quickening.  
  
At this point I'm panting horribly and letting out little mewls of pleasure, but it's not enough. Hasn't been for awhile. My fingers can't reach what they need to be reaching - _I bet Jean's long fingers could- I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT HIM._  
  
Growling furiously, I take my fingers out and whine from the loss, but remind myself it'll be better in a second as my hand moves back to the drawer in my nightstand, wrapping around the one thing I crave, or rather, the replacement for what I need. Once I pull out the black vibrating dildo, a gift last year from Reiner and Bertolt once they found out how freaking gay I was, my fingers barely wrapping around it, it's so thick, I flip myself over with a groan. Half of my face is pushed into the pillow to keep myself upright as my knees, spread wide, hold my ass in the air. It's the perfect vantage point as I take my hand off my own cock, whining at the loss and make quick work of grabbing the bottle of lube again, and slicking up the toy liberally. A moan turns into a grunt, and then another moan as inch by inch the dildo agonizingly, yet enticingly, slowly makes its way into my ass, until it's fully sheathed. I decide against turning on the vibrations this time, I'll save that for when I really need it, at the rate I'm at it won't take that long to get off and I wanna keep this up for as long as possible.  
  
Taking a couple shaky breaths I adjust, clenching and unclenching around the toy experimentally until I deem myself ready, and inch it out slowly, and then slam it back in, a scream accompanying it. Biting down on my free hand does nothing as another scream rips out of my throat at the second, and third repeating of the motion, each one speeding up until I manage to find what I'd been trying to hit, biting down enough on my hand to draw blood as stars swim in my eyes.  
  
"FUCK! Right there- _Fuck_ Jean right fucking there!" I beg, tears leaking out of my eyes and thrusting my hips back with every push of the toy into me, building up the heat and pressure in my lower abdomen each and every time. Finally I can't take it anymore and remove my, now bloody hand, from my mouth and stroke up and down my cock in time with the toy slamming in and out of me.  
  
_"Come undone for me, Eren..."_  
  
"JEAN!" I yell his name, repeating it like a mantra over and over again as I come all over my hand and sheets. All I needed was his voice in my head. Bliss overrides any thoughts at that moment, and I pull out the dildo, tossing it to the side before I slump over, completely sated, whispering the one name I wish I never would. Smiling like an idiot I grab a pillow and clutch it close to my chest, nuzzling my face into it and before I know it, I'm asleep.  
  
~  
  
"Oh fuck no..." I whisper upon waking, finding drool all over a pillow my face is buried in. Groaning I move to sit up, hissing at the discomfort it brings as I do so and blink blearily, trying to make sense of the red digital letters giving the only light in the room.  
  
3:19  
  
"Fuuuuuuuck." I groan and fall back onto my back, arm over my face. The other hand gets busy scratching over my chest, and moving down to get rid of an itch before I encounter the dried cum there, and groan again.  
  
"Not again." I growl to myself and sit up again, making my way over to the staircase. I flick the light switch and am momentarily blinded by the brightness that fills the room. Grumbling profanities in both English and German, I go back to the bed and grab the dildo, boxers, and lube off it before yanking off the sheets and going back to the staircase to bring everything upstairs.  
  
It isn't until everything is in the washer, and the lube and toy cleaned and in their proper place, and I'm cleaned up with a new pair of boxers on before what I did before I fell asleep fully hits me. How I came because of the thought of _him_ , how I was yelling _his_ name.  
  
"That fucking asshole." I snarl at nothing in particular, if anything my pillow, and angrily start throwing new sheets on my bed, haphazardly tucking them in, to then throw my pillows at the headboard. Clutching my head in my hands I fall heavily to sit on the edge of the bed, mattress squeaking in protest.  
  
_I can't believe I did that... I mean, sure, were apparently soul mates... But, I didn't think these stupid thoughts and feelings would flip so quickly... He was just a toy for me to play with, to beat up, way too manipulative for his own good. Now, just because of a fucking glow in our chests, THE glow, I find him attractive?!? Not only that, but now I want to see him again? Now I feel bad for running out like that? Now I feel bad for giving him all those bruises and everything?! This is fucked up. This is wrong. I need to get rid of these fucking feelings. He said it himself, just because we're supposedly soul mates, it doesn't mean we have to agree with it._  
  
_But... How am I supposed to ignore these feelings? I can't just go back to seeing him like a little plaything-_  
  
_Who says I can't? I can do whatever the hell I want. And what better way to get him off my mind than to-_  
  
Smirking at my newfound confidence I remove my hands from my face and reach out for my phone. Upon unlocking it I find a couple messages from "Red Scarf" and I shake my head, opening them to take a look.  
  
**Red Scarf** : _Eren! Where are you?! You're missing a killer party, all the good stuff is here! Bertie really came through this time man!_  
  
_Yo, Jaegerbomb, yre missing yor siggmature drink.. Reinnrr juss down a whole strippp. of em!_  
  
_You re losssss dudeheckk of s niiiighr_  
  
I check the time on them and find that the last one was only a couple minutes before I woke up. At least this means Reiner and Bert are still up, hopefully they'll be willing to help a guy out.  
  
To: **Armored**  
_Yo, Rein, what's the deal? Gotta couple extras left over for me?_  
  
**Armored** : _Jaeger! Yea sure dude, come on over, I could whip up a couple bombs for ya no problem!_  
  
To: **Armored**  
_And maybe some time with you and Bert after?_  
  
**Armored** : _Hoping you'd say that, I'll let him know. See ya soon bombastic._  
  
No sooner since I pressed send did the phone ring in my hand, a picture of Mikasa popping up on the screen. Shaking my head I press my thumb down and bring the phone to my ear, "Yea?"  
  
"Erehhhhnnnnn! *hic* Erehnerehnere- guesssss what!"  
  
"What is it Kasa, did you get into another fight on the way home?" I hear what sounds to me like a scoff before more slurred speech makes its way through the earpiece to violate my ear drum.  
  
"NNOOOO" A giggle follows and not so whispered speech muffled by what I assume to be her hand covering the mouthpiece. Then a low, monotone yet sarcastic voice takes over, "She managed to pick up a chick and her boyfriend on the way home, and is now heading over-YEAH- Don't worry about her Eren, she's coming back to my place cause it's closer. Had a bit too much liquor if you couldn't tell."  
  
"Ah, thanks Ymir, and who's the dude?"  
  
"No one," I can practically hear the smirk in her tone, "she just keeps chuckling to herself and pretending to talk to some imaginary stud next to her. No worries."  
  
"Gotcha, thanks Ymir."  
  
"No problem." The line goes dead after that and I chuckle to myself, rubbing a hand over my face.  
  
"Alright Eren, time to make yourself look good enough to fuck." I smirk to myself and go over to the mirror in the bathroom off my room, "Ah who am I kidding, I always look good enough." I grin wolfishly and purr at my reflection before turning in the shower and getting in, readying myself for a night, or rather morning, to forget that stupid nerd and these unwarranted and definitely unwanted, feelings for him.  
  
~  
  
Five bombs, a couple rounds with Reiner and Bertolt, and one hell of a sore ass and jaw later, I wake up in empty sheets, feeling rested, yes, but goddamn hangovers are a bitch. Grabbing at my pulsing head I glance over to the nightstand and find that it's well past noon. I also notice a note on it as well and grab it, taking some time to decipher it through my hazy vision.  
  
" _Sorry we had to leave you, but we needed to bolt and get to school before 11, football practice tonight. Feel free to stay as long as you want._ "  That was Bertolt's writing, and underneath it I find Reiner's: " _Yea, stay as long as you want, hoping to find you still there when we get back._ " And beneath that is a rather suggestive drawing and I snort to its crudeness. However the snort also shoots a stab of pain through my head and my hand in my hair clutches tighter.  
  
_I wonder if Jean is in school? Is he thinking about me? Does he even care? Is he-_  
  
"No!" I growl, cutting off my own thoughts and throwing myself back onto the bed, willing myself to fall back asleep and get rid of those thoughts, waiting for the two to get back so I can forget about all this shit like I should. With a pillow pressed tightly over my head in an attempt to block out those thoughts, I end up falling asleep, but not without dreaming of him.  
  
~  
  
Another night of the same festivities, even going into the next morning, and the effects are wearing off. Being with Reiner and Bert would always get my mind off shit, and the alcohol, the drugs, and the sex all combined worked at first, but whenever I was sober or not in-between the two of them, my mind drifted back to _him_ and I couldn't have that. I needed to get him out of my mind. I was all but in a constant high, post-coital, or drunken state from 4 am on Thursday, till somewhere around 4 pm on Friday when I couldn't take it anymore as he was there no matter how much I drank, no matter how many pills I took, and no matter who's cum filled me, it was always Jean, _Jean,_ **_Jean!_**  
  
"I'm leaving." I announce bitterly and get up from the bed, ignoring Bertolt's question of why as I pull on my boxers again and wipe my mouth, licking my fingers clean of the white substance there. I lean down to grab my shirt and suddenly feel a hard dick against my ass and hands on my waist.  
  
"C'mon Eren, don't leave us hanging... What's wrong?" His voice is actually surprisingly sympathetic, but in my state of mind, I hear none of it.  
  
"Fuck off Reiner." I growl and shove my hips back harshly, knocking him off balance and back on the bed, startled.  
  
"You gonna be back by six?" Bertolt speaks up again and I whip my head around to fix him with a glare after my shirt is back on and grab my shorts from across the room. He reels back but keeps his gaze on me, now seemingly worried.  
  
"No." I quip, short, simple, and to the point, grabbing my shoes and socks and starting to pull them on. At this point Bertoldt is on his feet and reaches a hand out to rest on my shoulder.  
  
"Eren... Are you alright? Did something happen?" He asks softly and my shoulders slump, but only for a second before tensing up again, "Did _we_ do something?"  
  
"No. Everything's fine. I just need to punch the shit out of something." I roll my shoulder and he gets the hint, taking his hand off. I'm not helping my case with my hostile tone, but that doesn't matter, I just need to get the hell out of here, now. That last blowjob on Reiner fucked with my mind. I was feeling weird with it starting this morning, but with each passing time, the feeling kept growing until I was almost sick to my stomach just now when Reiner came in my mouth. Everything about being with them like that now feels wrong and honestly revolting. All I can think of is Jean and how a part of me almost feels like I'm cheating him by doing this. I feel like a piece of shit for it, and it's pissing me off. Nothing is working to get him out of my head, NOTHING.  
  
"Alright... Text one of us when you get home okay?"  
  
"Yea, and tell Corporal he better watch out when we get back this winter." Bertolt, then Reiner, respectively call me out as I grab my keys, wallet, and sunglasses all in one bundle and head out of the apartment.  
  
I get home, change, and am at the gym in record time, the jog getting here already getting my blood and adrenaline pumping as a sheen of sweat coats my skin.  
  
"Eren." The owner of the exclusive gym nods to me when I come up to the mat in the center of the floor, fixing the gloves on my hands before stretching out my arms. I don't answer him as I have my mouthpiece in, but he knows what I want. I come here to train with him in MMA fighting after he got sabotaged in the ring, messing up his left ankle enough so he couldn't fight again. I'm the only apprentice he has, currently anyway. Gunther started his own career just recently, Petra started her own training course for beginners, and the other two couldn't handle it with college, so they dropped out. I didn't know them for long, but now it's just me.  
  
"Shorts, shoes, _and_ mouthpiece? Who fucked you over this time Jaeger?" He asks, but it's rhetorical, he knows not only can I not talk, but in this state of mind, I never want to. He calls over my first victim and my eyes light up. It's a warmup, and both he and I know it when I take him down, getting the poor fuck to tap out in under a minute.  
  
"Eren," he barks and I let go, the guy scrambling to his feet as I pad over to my coach, known in his day as the infamous Corporal Levi, trained by none other than _the_ Erwin Smith himself. He learned from the best, and now I'm learning from him, so the respect I have for him is boundless. Which is why the short, raven haired, resting bitched face guy doesn't get said face punched in when he grabs a handful of my hair and yanks me down to his eye level, "Calm down Brat, I wanna see if you remember the techniques I taught you last time." He sneers in my face and I snort. He lets go and the same guy, albeit ten times more nervous steps up again. This time I try and slow down enough to try the shit I learned last week like Levi wanted, but the second I slow down, the second I let my mind slip, I see him. The thin, lithe body in front of me, the blonde hair peeking out from underneath the helmet, and the way his feet skip, it makes me think of him. _I can't fight Jean-_  
  
"JAEGER!" The bark from the edge of the mat snaps me back to reality and I find myself flat against the mat, pinned. The guy looks so proud of himself too, no one in this gym has been able to pin me before, "What the _fuck_ was that?!" _What is wrong with me?_ "Jaeger get your _head_ out of your _asshole_ and fucking _fight!_ " _Get up idiot, get up and show these pipsqueaks who's boss, just like you always have._  
  
I shake my head roughly after standing again, wiping my mouth with my arm, and staring down the kid who's now just as terrified as ever. _Round three bitch. I ain't going easy anymore._  
  
...  
  
"You could still use some work after that performance Eren, you still coming to practice tomorrow?" He asks, walking with me off the mat after forcibly pulling me off the last guy I fought with. He only got away with a split lip and what I assume to be at least a bruised rib, if not cracked after the snap I heard when I hit him. I only sparred once with him rather than the usual two out of three (I.e. two because no one but Levi can take me down). The others I sparred weren't so lucky. One lost a couple teeth, another got a pretty nasty gash on his cheek, probably needs somewhere around ten stitches, and yet another did get confirmed for three broken ribs. All of them had bruises and little cuts littering their body as well. Both Erwin and Levi have a more calculative and strategic style, and that paired with my sheer power is definitely something to be reckoned with in the ring.  
  
I grunt and shrug, pulling the mouth guard out and turning to address him roughly, ignoring his question, "Bert and Reiner told me to warn you. Apparently they think they're gonna win the tourney this winter." I mutter, deadpan. The adrenaline is wearing off, and unfortunately, so is the effect it had to keep thoughts of Jean at bay.  
  
"With the shit show I saw today? Probably will. You need to learn to curb your anger idiot, and stop going into this fist first and using your power. You need to think, use your head, I know for a fact Reiner is bigger and more powerful than you. You can't take him down by sheer strength. Eren-Eren listen to me." He growls and grabs the two ends of the towel around my neck to yank me down as we continue walking to the locker room, the gym closing now seeing as it's past 9:30.  
  
"Yea yea, but I probably won't be here tomorrow." I scowl and look away, biting my lip as I do so.  
  
"What is this Brat? Showing up today at random, pissed off beyond measure, and getting your ass handed to you by a newbie, only to kick the crap out of ten other people and then have the balls to tell me you can't make your scheduled practice tomorrow?" He shakes his head, "Remind me again why the hell I decided to train you?"  
  
"I had potential, and no other trainer could handle me." I mutter, knowing the response I'm supposed to say all too well.  
  
"And do you know why?" He presses on as I choke back a sneer.  
  
"Because I'm too unpredictable and too unstable."  
  
"Exactly. Now get your ass in the shower, get home, and then I swear to you Eren Jaeger, if you don't show up next Saturday I will have your head." I swear anyone would be scurrying away if they saw this man's glare. 'If looks could kill' is a massive understatement for it, and so I know when I see it that I better get out of his sight. So I do, and do as he says, shower, change, and head back home, crashing onto my bed the second I get there. I'm looking forward to a good, long, refreshing night's sleep, but I should've known better. I'm lucky if I got an hour total.  
  
My night consisted of tossing and turning, my mind filled to the brim with thoughts of Jean, and the million and one things about him. For the first time I'm actually seeing him as a person. For the first time I'm actually seeing Jean as Jean, and how... Surprisingly handsome the smart ass kid is. Even with the glasses, even with the khakis, even with the button up shirts, all I can see is a stud now. And I want to do things to him, I want him to do things to me.  
  
But, at the same time, I'm wracked with guilt over how much pain I've caused him. Not only physical, but with the mental constraints it's put on him. He's terrified of me, I know it. And I guess that's the only reason why I'm questioning if we even could be together. Yea sure, we're soul mates, I get that now, fucking whatever, I like the kid and no doubt he likes me if the past several days if his thoughts have been anything like mine.  
  
But... I can't help but wonder, but ask, but be scared myself, that I fucked this up before it could even go anywhere. That I ruined our chance to be together - _EREN YOU DISGRACEFUL SAP. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO FIND HIM._  
  
I look over at the clock. A little past 6 in the morning. Saturday. It's only been three days, but it feels like it's been forever. A weight settles on my chest at the thought of seeing him. What will I do? What will _he_ do?  
  
_The only way to find out is to find him idiot._  
  
Sighing in defeat I rub a hand over my face and go to get ready, taking my time with the shower and getting dressed, making sure I look decent enough, but honestly I'm killing time, prolonging it for as long as humanly possible.  
  
Finally, I resign myself to my own decided fate and climb the staircase up the steps to get out the door. On my way through the kitchen I spot a quarter filled bottle of peach vodka with a note. Curious, I take a look.  
  
" _Eren, your door was locked so I didn't push, but I talked with Reiner and Bertie and they said they were a little worried about you. I know it isn't much, but the rest of this is yours. I'll be out with Ymir all day, call me if you need me._  
_-Red Scarf"_  
  
I read it over a couple times, but don't think twice about snatching up the bottle, uncorking it, and downing the last of it, savoring in the slight peachy taste it has, my favorite. It was only really around three shots worth, but on an empty stomach, the effects start kicking in and I grin stupidly around the room, looking for my box of frosted mini wheats. After stumbling around and a bunch of failed attempts at picking the right cabinet, and opening them for that matter, I finally find them and pull them down. Frowning once I notice the box hasn't been opened yet, I simply rip off the top and rip open the bag itself. It's then that I notice the bag is only halfway full and growl, convinced the company jipped me.  I tug on the bag and it gives way, the other open end spilling all the mini wheats into the box itself and I can only stare wide eyed at the now empty bag in my hands. I could've sworn there were mini wheats in there.  
  
Grumbling in frustration I shake the bag, and in so doing shake the box in my other hand too, hearing the rattle of them, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" I yell at the bag, "Since when are mini-wheats invisible?!"  
  
It's then that on the other end, the _opened_ end of the mini wheats, the tab keeping it closed decides to give way and mini wheats scatter all over the counter, some even making it to the floor, "There you little fuckers are." I growl at them and begin eating.  
  
Within the next hour, the mini wheats are gone, and I've drank a bottle and a half of water, feeling much better and more coherent when I finally step towards the door again, glancing at the clock as I head out. Almost ten. Close to fucking four hours. Wonderful.  
  
~  
  
Eventually, I manage to find my way to Jean's house. I already knew his address, it was just a question of finding it. It's 10:30 when I get there, and his mother lets me in. The only thing I care about from her incessant babbling is that Jean isn't here, and that I'm welcome to stay and wait for him if I'd like. Honestly I couldn't have been with her for more than ten minutes before the phone rings and after hanging up she informs me that he'll be here soon.  
  
My stomach knots when I hear the front door open, my throat clenches when I hear him come into the room, and when I finally turn to look at him, and see the person that has been plaguing my thoughts nonstop for the past four days, who I tried so hard to forget, I know now that there's no way I could ever deny that as much as I don't agree with it, and as much as I hate it happened to be him. Jean is my fucking soulmate.  
  
_"Hey, Jean..."_  
  



	7. One is very crazy when in love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter quote by Sigmund Freud 
> 
> The soulmates get rather cozy in their situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear fucking lord guys I'm so so so so sorry. So much personal shit and writers block and school work has bogged me down for what seems like forever. I'm so sorry it took this long, and I hope that you guys are still interested in this fic.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me or coming back!

  
I'm not sure what exactly is fueling my actions right now. It's something new, something I've never felt before, and it's not purely lust. That much I do know.

I also know that my tongue is currently sliding against Eren's, lips locked together as one of my hands is buried in his hair, the other sliding up under his shirt to appreciate the muscle structure this kid has rather than curse it as I usually do. Likewise his hand is against my chest, toying with my nipples in a way that has me moaning into his mouth like a wanton whore, and honestly it's kinda scaring me how he can do these things to me, and how much I like them.

At this point my shirt has been discarded, and I haven't taken his off yet as we kinda got distracted with each other's mouths, but when I finally have to breathe, I break away and practically rip it off his head, sinking my head down to nibble on his neck, which earns me a sort of sound I've never expected to hear Eren make. A soft, almost _dainty_ , whimper.

Curiously I lift my head and lock my eyes with his. As if the submission I find there doesn't shock me enough, the words that he says most definitely do, "Jean... Take control."

"W-what?" I stutter, leaning back and away from him, eyes scanning his entire face to look for signs of him teasing me, but all I find is sincere want. _He actually wants_ me _to take control of_ him _?!?_

"You heard me. Dominate me." He repeats, voice low, and sultry, and I gulp, unsure of what exactly he wants, a piece of me still convinced he's toying with me.

"B-but..." I try and refuse but he has none of it and shakes his head.

"Jean, I am a bottom, and I am a submissive. I want you to have your way with me, do what you want, no doubt you have broiling anger for me and the desire for some sort of revenge. Use that. I want you to hurt me, to make me beg, to use me."

"I can't do that!" My hand flies out to try and shove him away, my eyes wide with surprise and shock, darting around the room again, but when my hand connects with his chest and shoves, the outright bliss induced moan I hear freezes me in place.

"Please Jean..." He opens his eyes again and looks me in the eye, pleading, "Just do it.."

"B-But I've never-I don't-" I try and protest, and then bury my face in my hands when I see a devious grin spread across his face again.

"Oh no, don't tell me I scored a virgin?" He purrs and I peek out between my fingers to find his wolfish grin waiting for me, and fingers lifting my chin back up to him, "Hey, it's okay. Do you want me to show you first?" His voice is surprisingly soothing, and I drop my hands again, nodding.

"Words, Jean, I need words." He whispers firmly, and I can tell he at least doesn't take any of this lightly. That alone makes me feel ten times safer, even if I'm with my former bully.. Or at least I hope he's "former".

"Yea... Yes please..." I whisper, voice soft and almost silent as I look up at him, "I'm sorry..." I apologize automatically, knowing that I always had to when I inconvenienced him, eyes averted as usual. It doesn't last long before his fingers are lifting my face back to him.

"Jean, it's okay, we can take it slow." He whispers, and the concern is there, "If you even still want to? It's okay if you don't, we can end it here." He whispers, and I feel my head move up and down, nodding.

"Y-yea.. I just, let me calm down for a bit first, that was... That was a bit of a shock..." I whisper, trying to at least give an explanation as to why I don't want to continue right now. "It just, it was a bit much." I whine and climb off his lap, moving beside him to sit on the edge of the bed, thighs brushing as a part of me still wants the contact, "Sorry..." I whisper again, cringing when I see how painful the tent in his jeans must be.

"Jean, it's fine, I told you already, the last thing I want to do is hurt you." I feel his hand slide gently over the top of my thigh and I find myself leaning against him more, "And that includes any way of hurting you, not just physically." He whispers and I feel his fingers gently lift my chin up to look at him again, and I feel his lips against my forehead, "I'm sorry for trying to rush you."

"No, no it's fine." I reassure him and lean even closer until my face is tucked safely against his chest, "I just need a second, it just... It's kinda a shock to think of you of all people are a bottom, and on top of that submissive..." I whisper with a slight chuckle which he joins in on. I can even feel the deep rumble of it against my cheek on his chest.

"Jean? Are you actually a virgin?" Eren asks after a second, his voice extremely soft and hesitant and I bite my lip, "I don't care if you are, it won't change anything except that I'll take everything slower and-"

"I'm not." I whisper, cutting him off, "But I just... I don't... I don't like the idea of... Doing it.... purely for pleasure." I sigh out gently, "It just doesn't sit right with me... And I feel like that's what we were about to do."

"...Oh..." I look up and find him worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, eyes locked on the far wall. I don't get to respond to anything before I get cut off by my mother's voice from downstairs.

"Jeanbo! Eren, dear! Lunch is ready!" She calls up sweetly and I groan, slumping off Eren and taking a couple deep breaths to try and calm myself. Getting to my feet I go to step towards the door but my wrist is caught, stopping me. My entire body goes rigid, and I feel the hand relinquish its grip.

"Who?" I hear him ask and I close my eyes, letting out a long, steady breath as I continue to the door. When my hand is on the handle, I turn back to look at him with a small smile.

"Marco."

~

Lunch consisted of nothing more than Eren being a polite as fuck perfect human being to my mother, my mother fawning over him, and me trying my damned hardest not to blush or say anything after Eren snuck his hand onto my thigh halfway through underneath the table. The little shit.

Later than I'd hoped, we get back to my room after Eren finally mentioned something about studying and she shooed us back upstairs. This time though, no advances were made. Instead, what I saw before me when I turned around after shutting the door, shocked me speechless.

"Uh, Jean?" Eren looks up at me, tints of a smirk hidden behind his confused facade, "You gonna help or what? I don't know this shit." He's there, sitting on my bed again, but he has one of my-no his textbooks across his lap, opened to the most recent chapter. The one we went over on Wednesday. Logarithms.

_He actually wants to learn?_

"A-are... Are you asking me to t-tutor you?" I stutter out, utterly dumbfounded at the grin he's giving me.

"If that means you come over here, sit on my lap, and explain to me what the fuck this gibberish means, then yes." His grin turns sly as he moves the book to one of his legs and pats his now freed thigh with his hand, "C'mere."

"O-okay." I smile hesitantly but it soon becomes a sincere one when I do sit on his thigh and he wraps an arm around my waist. It's almost like its a protective gesture, or at least, that could just be wishful thinking. Either way it feels nice, and the little peck he gives to my temple feels nice too. It's almost like he's trying to prove to me that he doesn't want to hurt me... And... I like it.

I guess that's why I let him later on, halfway through the chapter mind you, shove the book off his lap and onto the floor. I guess that's why I allowed him to trail a series of kisses down from my temple to across my jaw. I guess that's why I moved to straddle him again, why I pressed my lips to his, why I let his mouth claim mine again, why I let his hands roam up and under my shirt.

I guess that's why now we're back to where we were before, panting and moaning into each other's mouths, necks licked, nibbled on, and kissed. This time though, I know what I want, and I know I won't stop him. I'm comfortable with Eren now, if how he handled my little freak out earlier is anything to go by. I find myself trusting him, and my instinct based on memories of him is slowly getting beat out and smothered by this new instinct, a gut instinct to trust him. And though that kinda scares me a bit, at the same time, I can't help but believe it, I want to believe it. I want to trust Eren, and I feel like I did all along too, even through that conditioned fear, I had something nagging at the back of my mind. It's just took our chests to glow for that nagging feeling become impossible to ignore, and it seems like it's the same way for him.

"Jean," Eren whispers as I suck a spot in the hollow of his collarbone, I ignore him until he starts to pull away and I look up curiously, releasing him, "Jean stop for a second-"

"What?" I rasp, and I cough at the shock I get from hearing my own voice. It's never been that low or that raspy before and I clear my throat before trying again, "What?" Definitely less raspy, but still deeper than normal.

"Are you okay? Do you-" Eren starts but I cut him off with another quick kiss, my hands coming up to cup either side of his face. I grind my hips down for good measure so he can feel what's straining behind my zipper as well when I pull away and rest my forehead on his, panting to try and keep my breath steady.

"Eren, I told you I needed to calm down for a minute, that I needed to think about it." I pause and let that sink in, "And I have thought about it, I know what I want." I bite my lip and try my damned hardest to keep my gaze on Eren's and not look away. However, because of my concentration, I must've taken too long to continue explaining myself.

"And... What is that?" Eren asks, softly, hesitantly. One of his hands comes up and covers one of mine placed on his cheek.

"I.." I stop, gulp, regain my composure and tell myself I need to say it, no matter how embarrassed I may feel because of it, "I don't want to have sex..." I murmur, and look away for a second but I can practically feel Eren's mood drop and when I look back he's desperately trying to hide how dejected he is. Scrambling I try and recover because I wasn't done yet, "I-... If we're soul mates... Then I don't want our first time together to be just lust driven..." I bite my lip and shut my eyes, leaning forward and pressing my lips to Eren's, whispering against them, "I... I want you to make love to me...." I pull away to look up to him and it looks almost like he's processing the idea, not completely on board just yet, but getting there. Trying to nudge him along a little, I slide my hands slowly up his chest and interlock my fingers together to lock my hands at the back of his neck, "I want... You know, our first time to be... Meaningful..." I punctuate that with a soft kiss, " _Especially_ cause we're soulmates and all..." I pull my head back completely to look up at him and I almost melt right then and there with the gaze he has on me. His features are softened, and he looks like he's looking at the best thing that's ever happened to him...

_I don't even know how to describe it and it sounds so cheesy but I don't care because holy shit do I feel that way. I feel loved, I feel like he actually truly loves me..._

"Jean..." He murmurs, and I feel my heart flutter slightly at how softly he speaks, "Jean I want you to be happy, and... And I'm.. I'm glad you said that." He pauses and rubs at the back of his neck, looking away. I go to speak, thinking he's done before he turns back to me and speaks again, just as soft, "I'm glad cause I... I wanted that too.."

Flustered, and without any words coming to my disposal, I stand there with my mouth opening then closing again multiple times over until Eren just snorts at me.

"Oh just kiss me already, I'm getting soft you nerd." He growls, almost playfully, and leans forward, pressing his lips softly to mine.

Eagerly I melt against him again, sighing out gently and kissing him back just as soft, just as sweet. However it doesn't take long before the kiss is deeper, soft moans are heard, and shirts are once again discarded to the floor as if an annoyance. Or at least, his was to me because I needed to be in contact with him again. I needed to feel that he was real, he was there, that we were actually doing this. Breaking off the heated kiss, I look down and just appreciate the ripple of muscles under his skin with every shift he makes, how soft his skin is, how unblemished and tan and just gorgeous it is against my pale hands.

I can feel him watch me curiously as he continues to kiss and suckle at my neck, nipping gently here and there, but nothing desperate. It feels like he's worshipping my skin with his mouth while I worship his with my hands. A blush blazes across my face to that unexpected but very welcome train of thought. I'm not blushing alone for too long though when I brush my thumbs over his nipples and he gasps and arches into the touch, hands at my hips tightening. Chuckling softly, I repeat the motion, and then finally, finally allow myself to lean down and lavish him with my own tongue. He hisses when I close my lips around one, tongue flicking and then just gently suckling, fingers still toying with his other nipple as the now freed hand slides down his side and then gently rakes my nails back up, making him shiver. _Good to know that gets him riled up too._

However he retaliates before long, his own hands sliding down and starting to grasp and fondle my ass, making me yelp and let go of him. With a smirk at the gained leverage he got himself, he proceeds to tease me, dipping his thumbs just below my waistband, then retracting them, over and over again as I keep grinding back into his hands, whining in pleasure. My hands have slid back to grip at his shoulders, but I take advantage of my own position to push them back suddenly, making him fall back onto his back. With a grin, I let my hips roll forward onto his, and the groan that leaves him makes me shudder.

"Eren..." I whimper, switching between rolling my hips forward and feeling the strain of his own arousal against mine, and rutting them back against his hands still on my ass. My voice is quiet though, knowing we can't be too loud because this isn't an empty house.

"Yes, Jean?" Eren whispers back, eyes narrowed in pleasure as his own hips start bucking up to meet mine.

"Do you..." I pause, biting my lip both in hesitation but to avoid whining too loudly when I feel his hand slide completely down to cup my ass, skin on skin, "Do you think this, no us, could actually work?" My eyes are locked on his and I watch as the turquoise swims in thought before I see an ever so slight nod.

"We'll make it work, Jean. We're soulmates, so we have to..." His voice softens slightly as he leans up and brings one hand to the back of my neck to pull me down for another kiss, long and sweet, but also desperate and dare I say, _passionate_. Not that I was complaining in the slightest. "We were meant to be..."

The last murmur of those five words against my lips throw me off guard and make me shudder. Both in good and bad ways, but I only allow myself focus on the overwhelming good, and ignore the tiny itch, nag really, of the bad. Nodding, I break away the kiss to look down at him and blush a bit more, your it's hard to tell with my cheeks already a bright ruddy red.

"Eren?" I ask again, biting my lip as the heat flares up and spreads down to my chest now, "C-can we go ahead and do this? I really want you..." I bite my lip as the sheer mortification takes over my body at what I just said, but Eren only chuckles softly and cups my cheek tenderly.

"Of course, but we'll have to work on that dirty talk of yours... It was a little lackluster." He grins sweetly and takes the chance to flip ups over so I'm underneath him, starting to kiss down my chest, abdomen, and once he gets to my waistband, his eyes flick up, questioning, and I nod to him, sucking in a breath as he starts to pull them down and off. He kisses his way down each new patch of skin the jeans reveal on my legs, and once again I get the sense of being worshipped.

I think what, not necessarily _bothers_ me the most, but there's just something about this that is so much like when I was with Marco... It's almost unsettling in a way. Eren's too sweet, too gentle, too kind for the image I have of him. It's so contradictory that it's both setting me in edge, but making me trust him so damn easily, and all I can do is hope I made the right decision to do so.

"Jean, hey, you okay?" Eren's voice breaks into my thoughts and I nod quickly, flashing a small, albeit nervous, smile. His worried frown wavers, but doesn't go away, and I notice he's shed his jeans as well.

"Yea, yea I'm fine Eren, I promise." At that the frown dissipates, but he's more than cautious as he gently takes the waistband of my underwear, and I nod again, rolling my hips up to try and show him I'm okay with this, because I am, I want him.

"Okay..." He murmurs softly and let's go of my underwear to instead lean down and press his lips to the heavy outline of my erection, making me gasp gently and innately lift my hips up slightly for more, "Just remember, tell me to stop and I will, okay? Making love is meant to feel good, feel special... And I.. I want this to be how I can start to show you how sorry I am for what I've put you through." Glancing down, I catch his eyes first, my cheeks bright red as I watch him smile up at me.

"Thank you, Eren..." I manage out after a moment, wriggling my hips to try and get him to keep going, "Please though, keep going... I-I.." I stop and bite my lip, unable to actually speak my mind, however my hands move down to my waistband and start tugging it down, hissing when my cock springs free and hits the cool air.

I hear a low hum of approval as Eren's eyes don't waver off me, and he immediately goes for my shaft. A moan breaks from my throat when I feel sloppy kisses make their way up, and then a groan when his tongue starts lapping slowly at my tip. Toes curling, I throw my head back and suck in a breath, legs twitching as they innately spread wider for him. Moaning again, one hand shifts to find its place carding through Eren's soft brown locks, and I manage to look back down and lock eyes with him. Finding that he was watching me makes my stomach flutter and my chest feel tight, but in the good way. Everything about this just felt _right_. There was no other way to explain it.

"Eren~" his name flows freely from my lips, tumbling out softly over and over again in an almost melodic mantra. His eyes, they just trapped me and forced me to watch them. This wasn't just sexy, this was far more than that. The pleasure running through me and making my head buzz made me rethink Eren entirely. I never expected him to be gentle like this, I never expected him to be able to show and express this much _passion_ through his actions, let alone keep it up.

It was a blissful haze, it really was. I remember him on his knees between my legs, I remember the wave of overwhelming pleasure shake me to my core, and then he was looming over me. He was murmuring softly, pressing soft, sweet kisses all over my neck and chest, keeping me calm so I didn't even really feel any pain from his fingers. I felt no pain from anything, only slight discomforts that were kissed and soothed away immediately. This was a side to Eren that I wished I could see first, that I wished I saw from the beginning. It was a shame that it took our chests to glow that we could be together like this, no pain, no fear, only soft moans of each other's names, only pure bliss coursing through us. Nothing else mattered, only Eren in that moment, and all I could think of was how much I wanted it to stay that way.


	8. Love is a Smoke Made with the Fume of Sighs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter quote by William Shakespeare
> 
> Doubt is shared, but soon extinguished

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hurt me Dx I swear I have not given up on this! Don't you worry, I will see this story to the end, and I've hit a place where I want to write it more than ever, so hopefully I'll start churning out chapters faster. Thank you so much for bearing with me, and I promise you, I will finish this story!!

Eren went home that night, and I didn't see him all of Sunday either. But all throughout the day, the warm glowing feeling in my gut from the night I had, slowly fell more and more into a cold pit of fear and dread. I didn't want to go to school Monday, I really didn't. As much as I saw Eren differently, what we did and what we decided Saturday night... It only made life so much more complicated. It only made everything more difficult. No one could know about us, and now, now as I'm walking up to the doors, I know I have to fear him once again. I know that because no one can know, we have to act like nothing has changed. Or at least I have to act... I'm not sure if Eren will be acting...

I guess that's what's making that pit in my stomach grow bigger. I'm terrified that Saturday night was just a one time thing, that it was just a hoax... That Eren won't-and didn't care about me at all. That he just wanted to get rid of those unwanted feelings of _love_ by allowing himself to give in, and now he'll be back to what he was before.

He said that he couldn't imagine hurting me anymore... I don't believe it. I can't believe it, at least not right away. I've been conditioned to fear him, and it will take quite a long time to uncondition myself, if I even can. If he ever raises his hand towards me, I will still cower, if he raises his voice, I will cower, if he so much as makes any sort of threatening gesture, I will cower. Eren's just as conditioned, except as the opposite, to _be_ a threatening presence... We're going to have to work at this, but even then, we still have to act. Even if we know it's an act, it'll still keep rooting in our conditioning, making it infinitely harder. And this is all based on the hope, and I mean _hope_  that Eren is on the same page and actually wants to be with his soulmate, if he means what he says.

Little do I know what goes on in that mind of his...

When I finally step through the doors to the building, headed to my locker with my head ducked and arms wound tightly around books pressed against my chest, I await Eren's ever looming presence to knock them free.

However it doesn't come. Bewildered, my head warily looks up, glancing around, and spotting my locker a couple feet away. _Did I actually manage to escape him this morning? Or does this mean-?_ I stop the thought before it can even finish, refusing to let myself believe that Eren might actually be deliberately ignoring me this morning because he _doesn't_  want to hurt me. That's too hopeful, too high of an expectation, I can't be let down that easily.

However, it's as I'm opening my locker, deep in thought, that a hand from behind lands flat against my backpack, and shoves me forward into the locker. The squeal of surprise that leaves my lips erupts a chorus of laughter, and I can easily pick out the voices of Mikasa, Reiner, and Bertoldt. Before I can even think about getting out though, the backpack is ripped from my back, and I get shoved in farther until I'm literally _in_ the locker. _I swear, being a fucking beanpole does_ not _have its perks._

And then, just as I manage to get my bearings, I hear the dreaded slam of the locker door behind me, and the even more dreaded click of my combination lock. My mind is racing at this point, but not with logical possibilities to get out, no, it's racing with thoughts of Eren. My heart sinks, my gut clenches, and before I know it I feel hot tears dripping down my cheeks. Another yelp breaks past my lips when a fist slams into the door, the sound and vibration of it shaking me down to my very bones.

"You thought you were in the clear did you Jeanbo?" _It's his voice-his fucking voice-I knew it-I should've expected this-I should've known!_  "Thought I'd forgotten all about you after last week huh? Well we've got some catching up to do after I missed three days of class _and_  my quota for bruising you up." He snickers and I can't help the quiet sobs from finally bursting out of my chest. I barely even notice the slight shuffling before Eren suddenly sounds much, much closer and his voice is _much_  lower and quieter.

"Jean are you... Are you crying?" He asks, and everything in me seizes, his voice did a complete 180 and my mind is trying to wrap itself around the obvious care embedded in the softer tones, "I just-fuck I'm just trying to make it believable, I'll get you-" He stops suddenly when Mikasa crows over to him.

"What, keeping secrets from us now Eren? Come on, nice and loud so we can hear those wonderful threats too!"

"Oh don't worry, I was just telling horseface how I'll make sure the only thing his face will resemble is a trash pile after I'm done with him." Eren crows back, and another yelp escapes me when his fist shakes the locker once again, "Let's see who cares enough to come save you now..." He chuckles darkly, close enough that the low voice causes the metal door to vibrate every so slightly against my back "I'll make _sure_ Armin and Marco keep their distance." He chuckles lowly, and both Reiner and Bertoldt voice their affirmative.

"Have fun in timeout Jeanbo~."

It's when their footsteps and everyone else's fade away that I fully let myself break down. Sobbing and sniffling like a child, I don't even know how long it is until I finally realize there's a soft knocking on the locker door, "W-what?" I hate how my voice sounds so pitiful, but it’s the best I can muster at the moment.

“Jean, it’s me, I need your combination-” His voice, it makes my stomach drop, my chest freeze, my anger boil, and my heart soar.

“Get the fuck away from me.” I hiss, and there’s a lot more conviction in my voice than I thought there’d be, “I hate you.”

“Jean-...” Eren whispers, and I actually hear _hurt_ in his voice, but that also makes my anger boil more, that mixed with a much more underwhelming churning of guilt filling the hole in my gut, “I just want to help-”

“You’ve helped plenty!” I wish the conviction was still there, but my voice now holds more of a squeaky quality than anything else, “I don’t need your help!”

“Jean, please, I’m sorry, I really am I just-” _He almost sounds like he’s about to cry..._  “it’s the only thing I could think off to keep them from being suspicious and without hurting you like I have before…” I can hear what almost sounds like his forehead hitting the locker door, ever so softly, and already my mind is racing with ideas that are just far too hopeful for my liking.

_He really is sorry, just listen to him!_  
He’s pressing his forehead to the door, he wants to be closer to you, wants to comfort you...  
He only did this to avoid suspicion, you don’t want him getting hurt do you?

“15.. 24...9”

“What?” His voice is cracked down the middle, confusion completely evident in his voice and I sigh, repeating the numbers quietly.

“15, 24, 9… it’s my combination.”

“Oh-oh..” He trails off and soon enough I hear the click of the lock, and the much louder clanging of the locker door being opened, “I’m sorry-”

My body must be on autopilot with him, it always seems to be, because the second he reaches to help me out of the locker, I turn myself around, press the side of my face to his chest, and wrap my arms tightly around him, “I was so scared…” Is the only whimper that makes it past my lips, and his arms immediately wrap tightly around me as well, “I-I thought that.. that Saturday night meant nothing to you-that it..it was a hoax..” Another quiet sob leaves me and I bury my face into his chest, “I thought you hated me-”

“Jean..” Eren whispers, his own breath and voice a little shaky from the emotion wracking through him, “Jean, no, I would never- fuck, fuck I’m so sorry…” I feel something press down against the top of my head, and after a moment, I distinguish that Eren’s kissing me.

I don’t know exactly why, but once I realize it, I just start sobbing even more. It’s no longer fearful though, only just an overflow of pure emotion. It’s the fear draining out of me, it’s the anger dissipating, it’s the relief washing through my veins, it’s the love I can feel flowing between the two of us, and it’s just too overwhelming to _not_  cry.

“Come here, Jean come on,” Eren whispers after a couple moments, and I allow myself to be blindly led to wherever he wishes to take me. The trust is back, but that’s probably because I’m too weak at the moment to even protest. I just need a presence beside me, and Eren is helping, and when I actually think about it, somehow he seems to be the only person I want the help from right now.

I keep myself pressed into him, the silence of the halls deafening. It feels like we keep twisting and turning forever, and I know the school isn't this big. Once the pitiful whines start bubbling up from my throat again, I hear him break the silence with soft whispers. I can't quite understand the words, I can tell he's trying to calm me. He sounds sweet, and at one point I even feel his hand start carding through my hair, brushing back the blonde and completely messing it up, but I can't find it in myself to care. It feels so nice, and for once, for once I just let myself relax. Eventually I head him open a metal door and I have no idea what's going on until he rather easily scoops me up into his arms, bridal style, making me squeak in surprise.

"It's okay Jean, it's alright, I've got you. We just have to go up some stairs, that's all, just relax..." He murmurs, nuzzling against my hair. Surprisingly enough, I do relax, letting myself nuzzle into his chest as well as he starts going up the staircase, "I'm sorry it took so long, I had to make sure we didn't run into anyone, that's all. No one goes up here though, we won't have to worry about anyone seeing us." When he finishes speaking, he pushes open another door, and I can only wince at the sudden onslaught of sunlight streaming into the side of my face.

Groaning, I lean back from him, blinking open and squinting until I become accustomed to the light, and find myself on the roof. Looking back up at Eren when he sets me down, I frown in obvious confusion, "How did you even get access up here?"

"Oh, I just stole the janitors keys for the day, the old guy that is constantly drunk, and got the roof key copied. I returned them to his room the next day and the guy was none the wiser. Turns out I never even really need it cause he never locks the door now. But uh, I just come up here for a smoke from time to time, always lock the door behind me too, make sure no one else can come up and bother me. It's like a safe haven." He smiles down at me, hand still wrapped around my waist, and I watch as he closes his eyes and leans in-

"No, Eren." I murmur, stepping out of his grasp And shaking my head, "I just- not right now. I need a minute." The face he pulls makes it look like I just kicked him, but he nods, biting his lip instead and stepping back respectfully.

"I really am sorry Jean, I didn't want to hurt you... I should've told you beforehand though, that's my fault." He murmurs apologetically, and I nod, rubbing self consciously at my arm as I watch him, trying to figure out what to do with myself now. Half of me does want to be kissed and comforted but the other half also wants me to get the hell away while I can.

"I know, I'm sorry, but I just... It's going to take awhile, Eren... I.. You hurt me in a lot of ways and I know you're sorry now and I get that, but it's going to take a lot more than that before I'm comfortable with you." I sigh and hang my head, only to look up and find Eren thankfully nodding.

"So... It's like you're a rabbit, and I'm a wolf... You are conditioned to fear me, even now when I'm trying to help you?" He muses thoughtfully, tilting his head to the side and looking as if he wanted approval from me. In all honesty though, it sounded quite similar, and it was a good analogy.

"Actually, yea.. That is very similar." I didn't miss the way his eyes lit up when he nodded, "So, you get it then... You just have to be gentle with me... Make sure I know what's going to happen so I don't get-"

"I will Jeanbo, I will. I'll tell you everything from now on so I can make sure you don't feel like you just did. I don't like seeing you like that and I want to prevent it." I can't deny that seeing the honesty in his gaze makes my heart skip a beat, "I want to make you happy, Jean, that's all." He pauses for a moment, and when I don't give a response, he smiles gently and nods, "I'll leave you be then now." He sends one last smile before he moves to the edge of the roof. I'm about to call out to him before I see him take a seat and lean back on one hand.

I keep watching, and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a package of cigarettes and a lighter. I can't seem to take my eyes away as he pulls one out, lights it, and then tucks everything back in his pocket. Mesmerised, I don't even notice myself stepping closer until I find myself sat beside him, watching the smoke billow out over the roof and clouding the dreary view of the city.

"Want one?" His voice snaps my concentration, making me blink in surprise and look over to see him offering one out to me. Still not with it, I don't say a word as I take it from his hands, rolling it cautiously between my fingers, "Here.." He whispers softly, carefully plucking it from my fingers again and smiling when he holds it out for me to take between my lips, "Just relax Jean..." He murmurs, popping his own back in his mouth and leaning close so he can use his to light mine.

I'm still not completely in my right mind, and find my eyes once again mesmerised at the glow of orange embers from his transferring to the end of mine. It was so simple, and yet so intimate at the same time, and I can't help the small blush crossing my cheeks.

"Jean, you're supposed to breathe in." Blinking, I bring my gaze up to his as I do, and almost instantly start coughing, eyes watering, "Jean, Jean breathe-" Eren gasps, sounding like he's holding back a chuckle when he takes the cigarette from my mouth, "Breathe-God why didn't you tell me you didn't smoke?"

"I uh, I'm not thinking straight?" I offer between coughs, "And.. The smoke looked really pretty, so I wanted to try it."

"Jean, no, trust me, if you don't smoke, don't start." Eren murmurs, ruffling my hair and then patting my back soothingly, "It ain't good for you. But I'm not a hypocrite, if you want to I won't stop you, your choice."

I look down at the cigarette he's still holding, narrow my eye at it and weigh my options.  _It can't hurt with just one right? It's not like I'm gonna get addicted, besides, I'd never buy them so this is my only chance, and it seems to be helping Eren clear his head, why not?"_

"Just one then." I murmur quietly, reaching for the cigarette again to put it between my lips, but I'm cut off from breathing in again when Eren lays a hand over mine.

"Slow, you don't want to overwhelm yourself." Nodding, I do as he says, and this time my eyes only water a little bit. It feels strange, but when I take away the cigarette and breathe out the smoke, I can't stop a small smile when the wind takes it and let's it get dragged away, disappearing. It really is a calming feeling. Breathing in something you know is bad, and watching it get blown out and turn pretty before disappearing into the air. It's almost like I'm breathing away all my problems, and it feels nice. Nice enough that I find myself leaning into Eren's side, and lacing my fingers with his.

That's how we spent the entire morning, breathing in problems and breathing in hate and breathing in bad, and then watching it all disappear, side by side, hand in hand. Just one turned into three, and then five, until the pack Eren had was empty and we were forced to stop. I wasn't frustrated though, and neither was he. Just sitting on the edge of the roof next to him, feeling him beside me was enough.

"We're gonna get through the this, right Eren?" I whisper eventually, tilting my head to look over at him.

"Of course we will Jean. I'll make sure of it. _We'll_  make sure of it."

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave comments if you want! I love to take suggestions, so if there's something you wanna see, don't be shy, just ask ^-^ I promise I don't bite, I'll probably just end up fangirling with you :D  
> My tumblr is [jaegerhugs](http://jaegerhugs.tumblr.com/) if you're bored and looking for some random shit and a ton of SNK... go right ahead and check it out ^-^


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